'Social Media Nightmares' Premiere

Within the past few months I have written a few posts referring to an interview I had been preparing for to be aired on an internationally reaching cable TV channel. I am happy and excited to announce that the show titled 'Social Media Nightmares' aired on E! True Hollywood Stories on Wednesday February 25th at 10:00pm and will soon be linked to my website. I am part of the episode to include several other stories and will be speaking about meeting my attacker Jeffrey Marsalis on Match.com, the sexual assault, rape crisis counseling and trials to follow. My interview airs in the 1st 15 minutes of the show. The Producer that I worked with was and continues to be passionate and supportive of me and the subject of date rape and sexual assault and her commitment to get the story out there was relentless. I am so grateful and lucky to be part of this show which hopes to reach the largest audience yet of all my television interviews.

E! True Hollywood Story 'Social Media Nightmares' Interview

If you're interested in reading my previous posts and thoughts at the time I was contacted, preparing and completing my interview they are 'Never Forget Why' and 'Continued Media Interests'. I am really looking forward to seeing the final product as I don't get the view the edited version until it premieres on TV just like everyone else. Although it's important for my message to reach all ages and genders, this show should reach the more targeted audience that is at risk for acquaintance rape, date rape and sexual assault and the E! channel is prime to reach that audience.

I would very much appreciate if everyone who reads this could share the link. The more people who view the show the greater the chance that a victim of sexual assault can receive the help they need or better yet my story could somehow prevent future victims. An event has also been created on my Facebook page JoAnn Speaks Out that you can Like, Comment and Share.

Volunteerism and Healing

This post was inspired by the Martin Luther King Jr holiday and implementation of a Day of Service. In my early 30's I began volunteering shortly after the death of Princess Diana. I admired her for true courage and bravery as a woman who put her flaws out there for the world to see and strength it took to stand up to a powerful royal family on how she wanted to raise her children and live her life. In the early years of the AIDS epidemic and crisis she went to Africa to visit the infected people. Just weeks after her death in 1997 I decided to honor Princess Diana's memory by signing up to volunteer after approaching a booth at a Fitness & Health Expo. I could have volunteered anywhere but my mother had many gay friends and at the time knew of some who lost their battle with the evil disease that was AIDS so I chose an HIV testing clinic. I spent 2 1/2 years at the Clinic just one evening a week until I took a new job that wouldn't allow me those hours. The staff there was so appreciative and for me it took little time out of my day to offer and I loved working with them and meeting all the people who came in to be tested. 

Fast forward to the Spring of 2009. I had spent the past 3 1/2 years going through the legal process and rape crisis counseling as a result of my being drugged and raped by Jeffrey Marsalis. He had now been sentenced to 21 years in a PA prison for Sexual Assault and Life in an ID prison for rape to be serviced consecutively. I was nearing the completion of my counseling and feeling mentally healthy. I now had a lot of free time on my hands since it wouldn't be taken up by going to court and therapy sessions not to mention I had the free time emotionally to add something like volunteering to my life. I had a few ideas as to what kind of work I wanted to do which was with children in some capacity. I had yet to be married and no children so this would be a way to spend time with and help them all at the same time. I did some research on global volunteer organizations because I am a travel junkie and liked the idea of traveling to countries where they are less fortunate than we are in terms of education, infrastructure, medicine, etc. I then researched Big Brothers Big Sisters as my brother benefited from them when he was a child. We grew up without a father and his Big Brother was a great addition to my brother's life. I also called my friend Renee to ask her about Make-A-Wish because she had been a wish grantor for them a few years earlier and told me about her positive experiences. After a few weeks of weighing all my options I finally narrowed it down to Make-A-Wish and started the process right away. Within 6 months I had not only completed the paperwork, background check and training but was volunteering at the annual Walk For Wishes fundraiser and assigned my mentor at the event. Just weeks after the event I was a full fledged volunteer Wish Grantor and leading wishes. 

Moving to California in 2013 didn't change anything either. I reached out to the Make-A-Wish LA chapter and began the process of transferring before I even got out here. They welcomed me with open arms. I attended the training, as each chapter does things a little differently, worked the Walk For Wishes and finally started granting West Coast wishes. Later today I will be meeting another volunteer and we will be attending a Wish Reveal for a very special young teenage girl.

Many victims of sexual assault end up giving back in some way such as becoming advocates or working the hotline at a rape crisis center. I was giving speeches and telling my story to advocates and on colleges campuses as part of awareness and prevention but that wasn't enough to fill up my time and essentially preoccupy my mind away from the subject of sexual assault. Choosing an organization outside of rape and sexual assault gave my brain the availability to heal in other ways. It was rewarding on multiple levels but it also allowed me to not think about me. I was tired of being inside myself all the time. The trials and counseling were all about me and while a victim is healing from a recent trauma that's the way it should be but to move forward in the healing process Life has to go on.

If you ever thought about volunteering today as a National Day of Service is the perfect day to start the process. If you have been through a traumatic event such as date rape or sexual assault and think you're emotionally ready to give your time to someone else today is the perfect day to start the process. Volunteering helped me in so many ways to move past the violence that was inflicted on me. It has become a valuable part of my life and I can't imagine not part of a wonderful organization such as Make-A-Wish. 

To learn more about the MLK National Day of Service or Make-A-Wish I have provided links below.

MLK Day of Service

Make-A-Wish

Many Ways to Heal

This week I was invited to and participated in an event at CSU Long Beach. As a part of the UC Irvine Speakers Bureau I received a request to sit on the university's peer education group PAUSE (Prevention Awareness Uniting Students with Empowerment) Recovery Panel as a way to create awareness of sexual assault for the students on campus. I was asked to share my story of being drugged and raped along with 3 other women. Then the audience would be open to questions. 

This was a well organized event with about 100 attendees. If you know anything about these campus events that is quite a large group and considered very successful. I was inspired by the interest among the students. Panelists ages ranged from 20's - 60's and although similarities occurred in our stories we each had individual experiences to share. 

The first speaker was a women who 50 years ago at the age of 15 was raped at gunpoint in her own home while her parents and brother slept in their beds. Her rapist then terrorized her for a year afterwards calling and hiding outside her house. Although the police had been called and conducted an investigation (there were other rapes in the neighborhood that night) it wasn't thorough and he was never caught. She suffered for years and after having seen many therapists her healing came when she finally met a counselor who specialized in trauma. It was then her healing process began and brought her to a place where she can finally speak out.

The next two women in their 20's and 30's were both drugged and raped while they were in college, one at a house party and one out a bar celebrating the end of the semester. Each were in situations where there were others around (friends, party goers, bar patrons) who could have at some point stepped in to help but for some reason did not. Similar to the first woman one had seen many therapists but finally received help from a specialized in trauma counselor and the other survivor although didn't find success in traditional counseling had finally found peace through a holistic healing arts approach specifically yoga. Neither one of these two women had positive experiences with law enforcement and their rapists were never caught. They are now happy one having recently gotten married and one having a sweet new baby who tagged along with her that evening.

Then there was me of course and I shared my story of having met my rapist on Match.com, navigated my way through the legal and counseling process and began my speak out and advocacy campaign not only to help others but to pay it forward. As I listened to each of these amazing women's stories I again realized how lucky I am for having had the support from not just my family and friends but law enforcement, prosecutors and received rape crisis counseling first before working my way through those unqualified for such specialized care. Not one of those three other women was able to say the same which saddens me when I hear it.

Once we completed our speeches the audience asked a wide range of insightful questions and some even stayed afterwards to speak with us. I was proud to be part of an amazing event and meet the other courageous survivors who have moved on with their lives and are too now giving back. One of them said that being raped will always be a part of you but it doesn't have to define you and without having said the words to myself I try to live them every day.

Getting The Message Out

...Last week I had the honor and privilege of speaking (as I do each semester) to the Victimology class at University of Pennsylvania. I very much enjoy speaking to this bright, attentive group of students who always ask thoughtful, insightful questions.

Following the speech, after the students left class Dr. Kathleen Brown and I had a conversation regarding the importance of a specific focus in my speech which is to seek counseling after being the victim of a date rape/sexual assault. Her students are part of the Nursing program at the university and know frequently victims are encouraged to get medical attention and report to law enforcement but the discussion is less focused on counseling and therapy.

Dr. Brown also shared with me her recent involvement with the growing epidemic of human trafficking and the healing process for those victims. We talked about the latest obstacle to overcome is getting the message out to sexual assault victims. The message inclusive of, what type of help is out there and how much there is available. We agreed there is a need to figure out an efficient way to get the information to the victims. We have so many outlets (internet, social media, even the medical community and law enforcement involved, etc.) to get the resources available to the victims but have yet to figure out the best way to do so.

This is not the first time I have considered the issue. In an effort to promote my public speaking and advocacy I am trying to figure out new and innovative ways to get my message out. What groups of people can I get to tell my story to that have the ability to influence others? I spend endless hours each week researching and using whatever means possible to connect to those in a position of power. If I can email, tweet, message the right person I can start a domino effect that ends in expanded awareness. 

I feel we are all in this together fighting for awareness and as victims, survivors, advocates, counselors, concerned humans our voices are loud and strong. If anyone has an idea to share with me or wants to team up we can heal those victims of sexual violence so they can ultimately lead long, healthy lives...just as I did.

Practicing Self-Care

...I wanted to go over an important part of sexual assault recovery that I had become aware of only this year and until just recently began practicing myself. Although I received professional help on a regular basis from a trained rape counselor and am certain this was worked into my treatment I don't ever recall the term Self-Care being used by my counselor Laura from WOAR. Once I was accepted into the RAINN Speakers Bureau, thoroughly reviewed their website and documentation provided and connected with other rape crisis centers and organizations on Twitter did I see that phrase and study what it meant. I also began reading blogs by other victims/survivors of sexual assault who discussed the topic as part of their own recovery. 

Good Self-Care is especially important for survivors of rape and sexual assault and part of the healing process and in my situation, as I discovered, still necessary over 10 years later. There are two central areas which are physical and emotional. Physical self-care includes Food, Exercise, Sleep and Medical Care and Emotional self-care is much more involved but can include Counseling, Journaling, Meditation and Relaxation Exercises and choosing the type of people you spend your time with and support they provide you. This is just an overview and I have provided a link below to the RAINN website which provides more details and information.

Although I was drugged and raped 10 1/2 years ago, received and completed counseling and sought justice through the courts I have written many times in my blog that I am still healing as I reach certain milestones and achieve certain accomplishments. In the past 5 1/2 years I have publicly given speeches and told my story to many groups. It's only this year that the frequency of those speeches has increased because I am now giving them on a full-time basis. I am also no longer living alone but now with my boyfriend and he began to point out my conduct before and after my speeches. My "freak outs" prior to leaving the house and my mood once I returned home were blatantly obvious to Steve as atypical behavior for me. I realized that before a speech I'm not particularly nervous and thought my anxiousness was because of a wardrobe issue. Then thinking back to all those previous speeches and my feelings of exhaustion hours afterward it was like a light bulb going on over my head. Every time I tell my story it takes a small emotional toll on me. I spent several years in which it was a part of my every day life and always at the front of my brain. That went away once the trials were over and the counseling concluded but I should have had the presence of mind to know this is a part of me and who I am and will always be there in some capacity.

Then I decided to continue to tell my story because it felt good to do so and I was in my own small way on track to help other victims. While doing that and telling my story I was bringing up painful memories and complicated emotions and not taking care of myself after which should have been common sense but clearly too obvious for me to see. What I thought was since I felt good during and immediately following a speech but once the adrenaline rush went away I was left with the painful memories. Now that I knew what was wrong I could fix it.

I am happy to say that the speech I gave 10 days ago went much differently. I prepared myself better prior to and took care of myself following the event. I thought it important to share this particular experience.Since victims and survivors are finding their way through the many stages of healing and as many of us (I wish it to be all) move on to have very healthy successful lives there will always be obstacles and challenges we need to meet head on and overcome. I'm living proof it can be done!

Practice whichever part of Self-Care works for you because no one knows what's best for us better than ourselves.

RAINN Self-Care for Survivors

Never Forget Why

...Yesterday I had a conversation with someone interested in telling my story and it reminded me why I started on this path in the first place. Even before the public speaking and before the counseling it all began with that 2 hour interview at the Special Victims Unit in Philadelphia and Detective O'Malley. As he took my statement walking me through meeting Jeffrey Marsalis and the horrible night that changed my life forever, he informed me of the previous accusations in which he drugged and raped other women and the current growing investigation that I was part of I became more and more angry. I learned of the horrific details of the rapes he committed before and after I met him and how I was right in the middle of it. At the end of the interview I was asked if I wanted to press charges and my answer was "Hell Yes!". It was also at that moment where I made a vow and commitment to myself.

As time passed and I moved through the preliminary hearing, the two trials and the counseling I learned more about myself and what were positive steps towards my healing process. I made the decision to speak out and tell my story to advocates and college students so I could share my experiences in hopes of helping other rape victims come forward and heal. I also wanted what happened to me to serve as an awareness and prevention tool. Then once I began my advocacy campaign my mission broadened until that conversation last night and it hit me I should never forget why I started all this and a very positive reality check.

What I don't ever want to forget is that Jeffrey Marsalis is a rapist with no sense of remorse. If given the chance he would rape again. Although he was sentenced to 21 years in a Pennsylvania Prison and upon his release he will be transferred to an Idaho prison where he will serve out a Life sentence. There is the potential for Parole after 15 years which I'm told is highly unlikely due to his status as a sex offender and the large number of victims. If parole was granted he would be approximately 70 years old. In order for that not to happen its important to keep his name and the vicious crimes he committed and all the lives he's negatively affected in the news for as long as possible. As long as the public and those part of the justice system are reminded of his numerous acts of drugging and raping women he committed over many years the less likely he will be granted parole out of sympathy for his advanced age at the time. 

Many of his victims did not or could not speak out for what are very complicated reasons only known to those having been sexually assaulted. Many of his victims who did come forward found the charges brought against him on their behalf to have a jury decide on acquittal. All of these factors do not lessen the validity or impact of his attacks on all the women unlucky enough to have met and "dated" Jeffrey Marsalis. He is considered one of if not the worst date rapists in this country and I will stay committed to my promise that December 22, 2005 to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to put him in prison and keep him there for the duration of his life...

Some Good Counseling

...Throughout the next couple of months I would meet with Laura every other Thursday after work. I looked forward to those appointments. Having someone to talk to who has a professional perspective, has heard stories similar to mine and treated women like me was very comforting. She knew the right questions to ask because her experience allowed her to anticipate what I was thinking and dealing with as a rape survivor. She not just asked all the questions and I did all the talking but she allowed me to ask questions of her. I could ask her all the "why's" Why did this happen to me? Why didn't I see through his lies? Why did I react the way I did after? As the trial date grew closer I had specific questions about what was going to happen in court. Since WOAR had court advocates (Kathy for one) Laura would do her best to get the answers I needed.

As the trial date grew closer I began to get more anxious about many trial related things. As a result I was having a weird (although not uncommon with trauma) reaction. I previously stated I was an avid gym attendee. I had always loved to work out and it was a regular part of my day for half my life. I began to see a fellow member almost daily who upon my first sighting shocked me. The guy looked exactly like my attacker. Of course it wasn't him because he was safely locked away in a Philadelphia jail cell. It was disturbing and unnerving. Why was this happening? I had attended this gym for years and knew all the other regulars and all of a sudden I'm seeing this look-a-like every day on the equipment. I told Laura about this and she tried to ease my anxiety by explaining this was very common. It's the brains (sick-my words not hers) way of dealing with what I was going through. Well I didn't like that one bit! Also, and she would not divulge this to me until 2 years later, it's common for patients with PTSD which she had diagnosed me with and documented.

My therapy with Laura included several types of treatment. There was talk therapy, which I liked, and a few writing assignments. One of which would be writing a letter to Marsalis and telling him how I feel about him and what he did to me. This was very cleansing for me because I got to say everything I wanted to without having to wonder if he will respond and how. I had no plans to ever do such a thing because I didn't care what he thought or had to say. Everything that has ever come out of his mouth was a lie and to this day he doesn't think he's done anything wrong to any of the victims. He is a very disturbed monster (I will not call him a man) and what he thinks is of no value to me as far as my mental health is concerned. Plus I didn't want him to know much I was thinking about this.

I would continue on through the Spring with my regular sessions but in May would receive a call that would change things for me yet again...

Let the Healing Begin

...I received a call from Laura Benner who introduced herself as a counselor from W.O.A.R. (Women Organized Against Rape). She said Kathy had relayed my request for help. We chatted briefly but she really wanted to schedule my first appointment so we can get together face to face and start the process of counseling. Laura said the sessions would be a hour each but for the first time I would need to get there earlier to complete paperwork, given a tour of their offices, be introduced to the staff and review what services are available. Since WOAR is a rape crisis center and provides all kinds of services to victims of rape of all ages it is a safe place. This would be a place I went on a regular basis where I could speak freely and be supported. I would receive no judgement or those dreaded looks of pity and sadness that I had seen in friends and families faces. That really is the worst. The way I can describe walking through the doors every other week for my appointment was welcomed, relief and comfort. The receptionist always smiled said my name and asked how I was doing. If other employees/counselors walked through the waiting room they would greet me or maybe even stop for a chat. It was an amazing feeling to be somewhere and not be keeping a secret from anyone in the room. Everyone was there for the same reason whether it be seeking help or providing it. Another reason why WOAR or any other rape crisis center is special is that they solely treat rape victims. Rape counseling specifically requires treatment in which other general counselors/social workers may not be trained or have enough experience.

I arrived for my appointment and filled out some basic paperwork and then Laura came out of her office to greet me and bring me inside. Laura was a petite brunette with the most soothing voice I've ever heard. Anytime she spoke it had a calming effect on me. She was also very smart. We talked for a few minutes and she explained that the packet I would be completing served many purposes such as providing her with information she'll need in order to best counsel me and it would be a guideline for my treatment and success of steps taken along the way. I would also at some point in the future be completing the same documents again and hopefully my answers will show my healing progress. She left me alone at that point so I wouldn't feel any pressure while answering all the questions. The questions were not to be taken lightly and they were hard to answer. They were designed so you put a lot of thought into each one and took a hard look at yourself while doing it. Honesty in the answers was also important because what's the point of being there if you weren't completely honest with yourself and your counselor. Then again no one said therapy was easy. Ultimately if you want to get better you are going to have to work at it and I mean work hard! So I did what I had to do and finished up as best I could.

Laura came back in and we talked a bit more about what I was to expect and how it would work going forward and we made an appointment for my next session. She brought me around the offices and then we said good bye and I left. I would later find out that due to the number of victims in my case and the amount of publicity it got the employees there were well aware of it, who I was and wanted to get in and treat as many of us as they could.

I was feeling good about my first step into therapy and that I made the right decision. Laura and I didn't know it but she would be my rock through the next phase of what was already a long process of getting justice. I would eventually get to tell her how I felt...

A Different Kind of Help

...The rest of November passed uneventfully, Thanksgiving came and went and the Holiday season was upon us. I embraced the Christmas season with the usual decorating, parties, shopping, time off, etc. The closer I got towards the end of the year the more I began to feel like something just wasn't right with me. I don't mean in the physical sense, I was a healthy eater and had worked out religiously since I was 19 (I was 39). I mean in the mental and emotional sense. In my late 20's I was diagnosed with a mild case of depression, not severe enough for medication but I participated in individual and then group therapy sessions which I did eventually "graduate" from once I achieved good mental health. This "off" feeling wasn't exactly like that but enough for me to recognize by the start of the new year I was going to need professional help. I really needed to talk to someone on a consistent basis about what had happened to me and what I had ahead of me.

Very few people know this (until now of course) but I kept a large file of paperwork, newspaper clippings, business cards and general notes of anything that had to do with the case/trial. I'm extremely organized in my personal and work life and the trial ordeal would be no different. So I pulled out that legal sized envelope and took out the business card I received from Kathy at W.O.A.R. and I called the number on it. I remember that first day of the preliminary hearing and Kathy sat down next to me she had written my name down in a notebook of hers so when she picked up the phone and I gave her my name and where we had met she greeted me with enthusiasm and asked how I was doing. I told her that since the hearing I was feeling less and less myself and wanted to take her up on the offer of counseling. We chatted a bit more as she had some basic questions for me and said her next step was to get a counselor assigned to me. I would receive a call from the counselor directly to schedule our first appointment where we have an initial introduction and I would complete paperwork. I thanked her and we said our good bye's.

I hung up the phone and immediately began to feel some relief which solidified any doubts whether I had made the right decision. This would turn out to be my first step towards healing...