A little over a year ago I received an email from my colleague at Strength United, a community agency affiliated with CSU Northridge committed to ending abuse, empowering families and developing leaders. I have worked with them most recently as a sexual assault survivor speaker to their Advocates. Ann Conkle, Outreach and Engagement Officer reached out to me after receiving a request from the production company for Cold Justice a show that follows detectives around the country as they solve cold cases. The were developing a spin-off show that would focus on sex crimes with particular emphasis on cold cases related to untested rape kits. An issue that has been brought to light within the past few years. They were in the process of picking detectives for the new show and needed sexual assault survivors to role play with the potential detectives. The producer ideally wanted victims who had been through the prosecution process and comfortable speaking about their experience. Ann said she immediately thought of me and if I was interested in participating provided me with the contact information for the producer along with the date in which it was scheduled.
I had watched every episode of the original Cold Justice show with my boyfriend and was excited that this potential spin-off show could help solve sexual assault victims cases in the way it helped murder victims families. After letting Ann know all this and thanking her for the referral I emailed the producer with my story and background which began our correspondence in preparation for the day ahead and what I could expect.
As I arrived to the production offices that day I was greeted and introduced to the staff and crew then settled into a waiting area where three other survivors of sexual assault joined me. While alone we introduced ourselves and shared our stories of (coincidentally) date rape and the paths that our lives took subsequently. It is always a safe space when surrounded by only survivors with no one else listening in on our conversation. We can share as much or as little as we like with each other knowing we have been in the same shoes, so to speak. The women I met were all so brave and strong moving on successfully with their lives except for one young girl. She was openly telling her story for the first time trying as best she could to navigate her way through the experience. The three of us knew what that first time was like and offered what we knew she needed as far as support and guidance.
A representative of LA's Peace Over Violence, a rape crisis organization, arrived and would stay in our waiting room to be there as we each returned from role playing with the detectives. She checked in with each of us and if necessary would provide one on one counseling. Every victim/survivor reacts differently after retelling their story and it's important to have someone there to provide counsel.
I would be the third called in by production to role play. They introduced me to two very seasoned special victim's unit detectives who told me about their background and experience investigating these types of crimes. I remember thinking how similar in demeanor and compassion they were to Detective O'Malley who was the law enforcement professional that took my statement and the first person I told my story to in its entirety. The crew explained that everything was going to be recorded on video. There were cameras in and outside of the room and I was fitted with a microphone similar to my doing an interview. The "interview" took about 45 minutes to an hour. The idea was for all of us to react as if we were meeting for the first time, having my statement taken and being provided the information on how the legal process would move forward as a victim. Once finished I met briefly outside the room with the producers while they asked me for my feedback of the detectives performance. Then I rejoined the ladies, each time one of us returned we discussed our experience and opinions with the others. Before leaving we exchanged each other's information.
Shortly thereafter the producer came to thank us for our help and we all discussed our hopes and excitement for the show to air on television. Cold Justice airs on the TNT network and about 2 months ago during one of their recap shows they introduced the legal team who would be part of the Cold Justice: Sex Crimes spin-off and I couldn't have been happier. The new show will premiere Friday July 31st at 9:00pm East and 6:00pm West. I hope it's a success, helps a lot of victims heal and puts their attackers behind bars where they belong.
Additionally this week I received my RAINN Newsletter with an article providing information about the assistance they provided to each victim for each episode as well as details about Cold Justice: Sex Crimes and RAINN. See link below to read more.
RAINN Partners with TNT's Cold Justice: Sex Crimes to Provide Support to Survivors
Showing posts with label RAINN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RAINN. Show all posts
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
LaceUp4 RAINN
This originally appeared as a Guest Blog for The UnSlut Project. Please check out their website & "work to undo the dangerous sexual bullying and 'slut' shaming in schools, community, media and culture".
On Saturday May 9th I participated in the 2nd Annual Lace Up for RAINN 5K. I was really looking forward to the event again this year since it had such a positive affect on my life and career as speaker and advocate for sexual assault awareness. Originally I found out about the event as a proud member of the RAINN Speakers Bureau.
The event is set up as a virtual 5K so you can join in with your team or as an individual from wherever you live at whatever time of that day is convenient and for someone like me who would be walking by myself it's perfect. The goal is "to raise awareness in a fun, approachable way and to connect with others who are passionate about the cause". Last year the event did just that for me. At the time JoAnnSpeaksOut only had a website and Twitter account so once I completed the 5K I posted my picture and comments on Twitter with all the hashtags and as a result I connected with an amazing girl (also a sexual assault survivor) from Michigan. We became fast friends over social media having many things in common and in part because of her I was inspired to start my blog which is now going strong almost a year later.
Within the past few months I have expanded my social media presence for JoAnnSpeaksOut onto Facebook and Instagram and knew I would be able to spread the message of Lace Up for RAINN much further. I even had the confidence this year to create a fundraising page with a template provided by the event organizers. I set a modest goal and with the help of my always supportive boyfriend who assisted me in spreading the message I reached that goal. Because of all those generous donations 10 victims of sexual abuse will receive the help they so desperately need and deserve.
The numbers came in for the 2015 Lace Up! RAINN reported 210 participants nationwide with 651 miles run in communities across the country to raise awareness. Most importantly $20,879 was raised to support more than 2,000 survivors of sexual assault.
My fundraising page will continue to be active through the end of May. If you are interested in helping to make an impact on the lives of many survivors please consider a donation.
JoAnnSpeaksOut Fundraising Page
Maybe next year I will go the next step and organize a team but for now here is my picture as an individual participant.
On Saturday May 9th I participated in the 2nd Annual Lace Up for RAINN 5K. I was really looking forward to the event again this year since it had such a positive affect on my life and career as speaker and advocate for sexual assault awareness. Originally I found out about the event as a proud member of the RAINN Speakers Bureau.
The event is set up as a virtual 5K so you can join in with your team or as an individual from wherever you live at whatever time of that day is convenient and for someone like me who would be walking by myself it's perfect. The goal is "to raise awareness in a fun, approachable way and to connect with others who are passionate about the cause". Last year the event did just that for me. At the time JoAnnSpeaksOut only had a website and Twitter account so once I completed the 5K I posted my picture and comments on Twitter with all the hashtags and as a result I connected with an amazing girl (also a sexual assault survivor) from Michigan. We became fast friends over social media having many things in common and in part because of her I was inspired to start my blog which is now going strong almost a year later.
Within the past few months I have expanded my social media presence for JoAnnSpeaksOut onto Facebook and Instagram and knew I would be able to spread the message of Lace Up for RAINN much further. I even had the confidence this year to create a fundraising page with a template provided by the event organizers. I set a modest goal and with the help of my always supportive boyfriend who assisted me in spreading the message I reached that goal. Because of all those generous donations 10 victims of sexual abuse will receive the help they so desperately need and deserve.
The numbers came in for the 2015 Lace Up! RAINN reported 210 participants nationwide with 651 miles run in communities across the country to raise awareness. Most importantly $20,879 was raised to support more than 2,000 survivors of sexual assault.
My fundraising page will continue to be active through the end of May. If you are interested in helping to make an impact on the lives of many survivors please consider a donation.
JoAnnSpeaksOut Fundraising Page
Maybe next year I will go the next step and organize a team but for now here is my picture as an individual participant.
Monday, May 11, 2015
SAAM 2015 Recap
I am excited to share that with a very full April calendar Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2015 (SAAM) was a great success. I attended many events, delivered several speeches and as the month progressed the availability on my calendar decreased. Interviews were conducted, articles and podcasts were posted, press releases were sent out and local TV news reported on my work as a speaker and advocate. It can best be described as a flurry of activity for 30 continuous days and at the end I was left with a overwhelming feeling of hope for the future of date rape and sexual assault awareness and prevention.
The month began by my meeting up with a date rape survivor just like me except in addition to counseling she found healing through yoga. Justine then used her writing talents to create a screenplay and develop a movie project called 2000vinyasas, a story similar to her own. You can learn more in my post 2000 Vinyasas - The Movie.
The next day I was interviewed by an impressive young woman Jessica from GirlsSpeak. She was writing a series of articles for SAAM to be posted on her website blog. As a result of the interview I was quoted in two articles posted within as many weeks the 1st about Sexual Assault Myths the 2nd about Helping Survivors.
The following week my podcast interview, recorded in March, with the awesome ladies of the Vagina Chronicles was posted. We were connected initially from my work as project adviser on the Tell The World music video being developed by Rob Hustle hip hop artist and activist. This project, currently in production, allows sexual assault survivors to speak out. Angela & Nicolle contacted Rob to say they would like to promote the project by interviewing any of the project advisers available. They generously allowed me to take up most of the podcast telling my story and then provide information for Tell The World. You can listen via this link Vagina Chronicles.
In the 3rd week of April I had the pleasure to attend an Evening of Innovation at USC Annenberg Innovation Lab. Through my work as a RAINN Speaker's Bureau member I completed an interview questionnaire for Prevail Games developing Bridge to Solas a mobile role-play designed to help survivors on their path to healing. Alexx Murphy and her intelligent, talented team of women went up against 5 other student teams in the 2015 CRUNCH Student Design Challenge + Incubator for a $10,000 prize for startup funding. Although the ladies did not win the ultimate prize they took home the People's Choice Award. A huge accomplishment in its own right.
Week 4 & 5 of SAAM brought about my scheduled speaking engagements. As a result of my E! True Hollywood Story interview in February I was contacted by a former Philadelphia DA intern who worked on my case 10 years ago asking if I would speak at their annual National Crime Victims Rights Week ceremony. It was a beautiful event honoring families of murder victims, reported on by the Merced CA newspaper and ABC30 Fresno in which both highlighted my speech and message to sexual assault victims.
Norco College invited me to speak at their very first Take Back the Night. I was impressed by how well organized it was and the number of students that came out to participate. I presented my entire story of being sexually assaulted by a serial date rapist, the legal and court process, counseling, healing and finally moving forward with my life. There were beautiful student singers, poems read and a quilt with squares made by attendees including myself.
Finally, even though it was the 2nd Annual Denim Day Rally & Press Event it was my first time attending. Peace Over Violence, an organization dedicated to ending sexual violence of any kind in LA since 1971, joined forces with Guess? Foundation to promote Denim Day LA & USA and beyond. There were guest speakers such as the Mayor, Police Chief and District Attorney of Los Angeles along with performances by Aloe Blacc and Maya Jupiter. I befriended a young masters degree student in social work and intern at POV. It was motivating and a lot of fun and you can read more about the message and how to get involved here Denim Day 2015.
SAAM was first observed in April 2001 growing out of Sexual Assault Awareness Week from the 1980's. In 2009 President Barack Obama was the first president to proclaim April Sexual Assault Awareness Month and it's been growing stronger ever since then. I was significantly more involved than last year and I hope next year will be that way for many other advocates and activists alike.
The month began by my meeting up with a date rape survivor just like me except in addition to counseling she found healing through yoga. Justine then used her writing talents to create a screenplay and develop a movie project called 2000vinyasas, a story similar to her own. You can learn more in my post 2000 Vinyasas - The Movie.
The next day I was interviewed by an impressive young woman Jessica from GirlsSpeak. She was writing a series of articles for SAAM to be posted on her website blog. As a result of the interview I was quoted in two articles posted within as many weeks the 1st about Sexual Assault Myths the 2nd about Helping Survivors.
The following week my podcast interview, recorded in March, with the awesome ladies of the Vagina Chronicles was posted. We were connected initially from my work as project adviser on the Tell The World music video being developed by Rob Hustle hip hop artist and activist. This project, currently in production, allows sexual assault survivors to speak out. Angela & Nicolle contacted Rob to say they would like to promote the project by interviewing any of the project advisers available. They generously allowed me to take up most of the podcast telling my story and then provide information for Tell The World. You can listen via this link Vagina Chronicles.
In the 3rd week of April I had the pleasure to attend an Evening of Innovation at USC Annenberg Innovation Lab. Through my work as a RAINN Speaker's Bureau member I completed an interview questionnaire for Prevail Games developing Bridge to Solas a mobile role-play designed to help survivors on their path to healing. Alexx Murphy and her intelligent, talented team of women went up against 5 other student teams in the 2015 CRUNCH Student Design Challenge + Incubator for a $10,000 prize for startup funding. Although the ladies did not win the ultimate prize they took home the People's Choice Award. A huge accomplishment in its own right.
Week 4 & 5 of SAAM brought about my scheduled speaking engagements. As a result of my E! True Hollywood Story interview in February I was contacted by a former Philadelphia DA intern who worked on my case 10 years ago asking if I would speak at their annual National Crime Victims Rights Week ceremony. It was a beautiful event honoring families of murder victims, reported on by the Merced CA newspaper and ABC30 Fresno in which both highlighted my speech and message to sexual assault victims.
Norco College invited me to speak at their very first Take Back the Night. I was impressed by how well organized it was and the number of students that came out to participate. I presented my entire story of being sexually assaulted by a serial date rapist, the legal and court process, counseling, healing and finally moving forward with my life. There were beautiful student singers, poems read and a quilt with squares made by attendees including myself.
Finally, even though it was the 2nd Annual Denim Day Rally & Press Event it was my first time attending. Peace Over Violence, an organization dedicated to ending sexual violence of any kind in LA since 1971, joined forces with Guess? Foundation to promote Denim Day LA & USA and beyond. There were guest speakers such as the Mayor, Police Chief and District Attorney of Los Angeles along with performances by Aloe Blacc and Maya Jupiter. I befriended a young masters degree student in social work and intern at POV. It was motivating and a lot of fun and you can read more about the message and how to get involved here Denim Day 2015.
SAAM was first observed in April 2001 growing out of Sexual Assault Awareness Week from the 1980's. In 2009 President Barack Obama was the first president to proclaim April Sexual Assault Awareness Month and it's been growing stronger ever since then. I was significantly more involved than last year and I hope next year will be that way for many other advocates and activists alike.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Born To Be & Little Words of Kindness
UPDATE INFO BELOW**
I learned about Born To Be, a retreat center for victims and survivors of sexual assault where they could go to heal through writing, painting, art, etc. from the RAINN Speakers Bureau in which I am a member. Born To Be is a project currently in development along with The Little Words of Kindness campaign created by its founder Jenna Kandyce Linch who herself is a survivor of child abuse, domestic violence and rape. Little Words of Kindness, which is also a work in progress, allows anyone to participate in either the letter writing project the donation of journals, notebooks, diaries or pens or both.
Jenna, a nature lover, found it healing to be out in nature and thought the peaceful surroundings would be beneficial for other survivors too. The name Born To Be came to her while out running one day and thinking how, as survivors, we struggle to define where we fit in and where our lives are headed as we piece our lives back together. The more she got to thinking about the name the more it stuck by representing the mission and goal of Born To Be Inc. Its mission is to help victims and survivors see how beautiful they are and help them regain the confidence to see who they were born to be and meant to be in life.
Jenna started Born To Be Inc a year after she was date raped by her ex-boyfriend. The project grew out of an online petition first urging the government to fund special schools for victims and survivors where they could heal from their sexual assaults. It changed direction from there to develop a retreat where victims and survivors could go to encourage healing through painting, art, writing, etc.
Many victims in counseling are asked to write or journal as part of the therapy process, I was one of them and found it extremely effective. I know of several other women who choose to express themselves through music and songs they have written. Writing has always been Jenna's voice as she suffered sexual and domestic violence through childhood with nowhere to go and no one to talk about the abuse ultimately learning to survive on her own at the age of 17. Born To Be Inc is currently in the "work in progress" stage but the goal is to establish a place of solace and serenity where victims and survivors can go to get support from each other throughout their healing process. This idea is innovative and progressive and would provide another option for victims of all forms of sexual abuse. I was able to find this kind of solace at WOAR, the rape crisis center in Philadelphia, but these organizations are not always available for geographical reasons, lack of funding or simply not the type of place some victims would be comfortable visiting.
The Little Words of Kindness campaign came to Jenna after reading a letter sent by a survivor telling her what an inspiration her MySpace writings were and what a difference they made in her life and then sharing what she had been going through. After reading that letter she thought "what if I could start a campaign where survivors write each other notes to inspire, encourage, motivate and lift one another up while sharing their experiences?" Hearing kind words from strangers, those who have been through similar situations, can make all the difference in the healing process. I can confirm this because while I was sitting in the courtroom during my attacker's trial with his other victims and although we couldn't speak to each other there was a bond that provided a silent strength no one else outside the group could provide us. There was a support system through our similar traumatic experience that friends, family and other loved ones simply couldn't offer. Survivors know that we won't judge each other and we can't guarantee we will get that from anyone else.
Writing gave Jenna her voice back as it did for me. I was encouraged to write by my therapist throughout my rape crisis counseling process. Jenna wants to make writing supplies available to hand out at shelters, hospitals, rape crisis centers, colleges and events such as Take Back the Night. Every survivor deserves the right to get their voice back. Those of us that were successful in doing so want to share that feeling with others.
If a volunteer decides to write a letter it's as simple as a putting down on paper what comes from the heart and no particular length is required whether it be short or long. They can also write multiple letters, there is no time limit to submit them and can be anonymous as well. This is such a simple yet powerful way to let survivors know they are not alone and gives them the spark of hope they need to begin moving on.
In my ongoing effort to pass along information providing alternatives to healing from sexual assault and prevention tools I thought this would fit into this category. It's unique but has a direct effect on victims as the letters go directly to them. I can personally share that in the time between reporting my rape to law enforcement and beginning my counseling I felt alone, out of place, confused among other feelings. If I received a letter of support from another survivor or even a stranger it would have been so helpful for my mental well-being.
UPDATE**
Jenna is now looking for survivors of sexual assault to decorate a postcard now through April 2016. Her goal is "to turn postcards into a canvas for a healing process and to exhibit the postcards collected over the course of a year". More details provided on this website...
Awakenings Foundation and Gallery
For more information and Jenna's story visit her official website.
Jenna's Story & Born To Be
Jenna also started a blog where she is looking for writers to post testimonials, poetry, stories, helpful hints, etc. It's described as a for survivors from survivors.
Little Words of Kindness Blog
Little Words of Kindness Campaign Information
Mail letters directly to:
Jenna Kandyce Linch
Born To Be Inc
600 S Graves Street
#2306
McKinney, TX 75069
Email letters to (that will be printed and sent):
jklinch_risingabove@yahoo.com
I learned about Born To Be, a retreat center for victims and survivors of sexual assault where they could go to heal through writing, painting, art, etc. from the RAINN Speakers Bureau in which I am a member. Born To Be is a project currently in development along with The Little Words of Kindness campaign created by its founder Jenna Kandyce Linch who herself is a survivor of child abuse, domestic violence and rape. Little Words of Kindness, which is also a work in progress, allows anyone to participate in either the letter writing project the donation of journals, notebooks, diaries or pens or both.
Jenna, a nature lover, found it healing to be out in nature and thought the peaceful surroundings would be beneficial for other survivors too. The name Born To Be came to her while out running one day and thinking how, as survivors, we struggle to define where we fit in and where our lives are headed as we piece our lives back together. The more she got to thinking about the name the more it stuck by representing the mission and goal of Born To Be Inc. Its mission is to help victims and survivors see how beautiful they are and help them regain the confidence to see who they were born to be and meant to be in life.
Jenna started Born To Be Inc a year after she was date raped by her ex-boyfriend. The project grew out of an online petition first urging the government to fund special schools for victims and survivors where they could heal from their sexual assaults. It changed direction from there to develop a retreat where victims and survivors could go to encourage healing through painting, art, writing, etc.
Many victims in counseling are asked to write or journal as part of the therapy process, I was one of them and found it extremely effective. I know of several other women who choose to express themselves through music and songs they have written. Writing has always been Jenna's voice as she suffered sexual and domestic violence through childhood with nowhere to go and no one to talk about the abuse ultimately learning to survive on her own at the age of 17. Born To Be Inc is currently in the "work in progress" stage but the goal is to establish a place of solace and serenity where victims and survivors can go to get support from each other throughout their healing process. This idea is innovative and progressive and would provide another option for victims of all forms of sexual abuse. I was able to find this kind of solace at WOAR, the rape crisis center in Philadelphia, but these organizations are not always available for geographical reasons, lack of funding or simply not the type of place some victims would be comfortable visiting.
The Little Words of Kindness campaign came to Jenna after reading a letter sent by a survivor telling her what an inspiration her MySpace writings were and what a difference they made in her life and then sharing what she had been going through. After reading that letter she thought "what if I could start a campaign where survivors write each other notes to inspire, encourage, motivate and lift one another up while sharing their experiences?" Hearing kind words from strangers, those who have been through similar situations, can make all the difference in the healing process. I can confirm this because while I was sitting in the courtroom during my attacker's trial with his other victims and although we couldn't speak to each other there was a bond that provided a silent strength no one else outside the group could provide us. There was a support system through our similar traumatic experience that friends, family and other loved ones simply couldn't offer. Survivors know that we won't judge each other and we can't guarantee we will get that from anyone else.
Writing gave Jenna her voice back as it did for me. I was encouraged to write by my therapist throughout my rape crisis counseling process. Jenna wants to make writing supplies available to hand out at shelters, hospitals, rape crisis centers, colleges and events such as Take Back the Night. Every survivor deserves the right to get their voice back. Those of us that were successful in doing so want to share that feeling with others.
If a volunteer decides to write a letter it's as simple as a putting down on paper what comes from the heart and no particular length is required whether it be short or long. They can also write multiple letters, there is no time limit to submit them and can be anonymous as well. This is such a simple yet powerful way to let survivors know they are not alone and gives them the spark of hope they need to begin moving on.
In my ongoing effort to pass along information providing alternatives to healing from sexual assault and prevention tools I thought this would fit into this category. It's unique but has a direct effect on victims as the letters go directly to them. I can personally share that in the time between reporting my rape to law enforcement and beginning my counseling I felt alone, out of place, confused among other feelings. If I received a letter of support from another survivor or even a stranger it would have been so helpful for my mental well-being.
UPDATE**
Jenna is now looking for survivors of sexual assault to decorate a postcard now through April 2016. Her goal is "to turn postcards into a canvas for a healing process and to exhibit the postcards collected over the course of a year". More details provided on this website...
Awakenings Foundation and Gallery
For more information and Jenna's story visit her official website.
Jenna's Story & Born To Be
Jenna also started a blog where she is looking for writers to post testimonials, poetry, stories, helpful hints, etc. It's described as a for survivors from survivors.
Little Words of Kindness Blog
Little Words of Kindness Campaign Information
Mail letters directly to:
Jenna Kandyce Linch
Born To Be Inc
600 S Graves Street
#2306
McKinney, TX 75069
Email letters to (that will be printed and sent):
jklinch_risingabove@yahoo.com
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Spreading the Message
Most recently I began working as an 'extra' for TV & movies and it has not only been a '10' on the scale of cool but the people I'm meeting and working with have been inspiring as well.
I should really explain first how I got into doing this type of work. As some of you well know I moved to LA in late 2013 to start the next chapter of my life with my boyfriend Steve and also begin JoAnnSpeaksOut. Steve has a successful podcast where he interviews anyone and everyone in all aspects of the entertainment industry not to mention he also has a comedy and writing background along with many of his friends working in TV & movies in front of and behind the camera. I have always been a huge fan of television and movies and a self described addict watching hours and hours of both. Steve encouraged me to look into doing extra work for fun and I liked the idea because it's flexible and would fit around my busy schedule.
Another reason I was interested is that I have always lived my life for the experiences. I am not afraid to try new things even if I only do them once which includes traveling the world by myself, trying out as a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader and many others that I won't go into now. After the Jeffrey Marsalis trials were over, I knew he was safely behind bars for Life and my counseling was completed successfully the drive and determination for me to never regret "NOT" doing something was even more prevalent. I have been known to say that I will not lay on my death bed replaying my life and thinking of the things I didn't do but only the things I did.
So even though I'm only a few weeks into this new work I have been deeply moved by the responses to my answering the questions 'What is it that you do?' and 'What brought you to working as an extra?' Because extra work brings people from all different backgrounds, ages, places in the world everyone has an interesting story to tell and there is a natural curiosity to learn about those you will be working with for what could be long hours. I answer the question by being brief and straight to the point "I'm a speaker and advocate for sexual assault awareness". This brings a multitude of reactions but NEVER a negative one. Some ask if it's due to a personal experience, some ask that I elaborate on where and how I work and spread my message, others have taken me aside to discuss the subject or ask me a lot of questions or my opinion on the latest news topics surrounding sexual assault. In the past few days a young girl opened up to me about her assault and counseling and an older gentlemen offered contact information for the family crisis center where he volunteers as a math/physics tutor when I asked him while elaborating they really need someone like me to come in and speak there. Finally a young guy told me of a smart phone app he has developed to help women in an emergency situation so I gave him my card and offered to share that information in a later blog when he was ready to market it.
At the kickoff for SAAM (April 1st) I felt it fitting that I share the positive experiences I've had in such a short period of time spreading the message of sexual assault awareness to such a broad audience. This is the best outcome I could ever wish for as part of my JoAnnSpeaksOut mission. All the victims, survivors, advocates and activists want is for people to start talking about the subject as if it was any other topic to be discussed. the time is way past due to bring it out of the shadows and raise the voices above a whisper when the words rape, date rape, sexual assault are spoken.
I think we are there and I couldn't be more excited about the future because if everyone starts talking about it the victims can begin to heal the perpetrators can be arrested and prosecuted and shame can be a thing of the past.
I should really explain first how I got into doing this type of work. As some of you well know I moved to LA in late 2013 to start the next chapter of my life with my boyfriend Steve and also begin JoAnnSpeaksOut. Steve has a successful podcast where he interviews anyone and everyone in all aspects of the entertainment industry not to mention he also has a comedy and writing background along with many of his friends working in TV & movies in front of and behind the camera. I have always been a huge fan of television and movies and a self described addict watching hours and hours of both. Steve encouraged me to look into doing extra work for fun and I liked the idea because it's flexible and would fit around my busy schedule.
Another reason I was interested is that I have always lived my life for the experiences. I am not afraid to try new things even if I only do them once which includes traveling the world by myself, trying out as a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader and many others that I won't go into now. After the Jeffrey Marsalis trials were over, I knew he was safely behind bars for Life and my counseling was completed successfully the drive and determination for me to never regret "NOT" doing something was even more prevalent. I have been known to say that I will not lay on my death bed replaying my life and thinking of the things I didn't do but only the things I did.
So even though I'm only a few weeks into this new work I have been deeply moved by the responses to my answering the questions 'What is it that you do?' and 'What brought you to working as an extra?' Because extra work brings people from all different backgrounds, ages, places in the world everyone has an interesting story to tell and there is a natural curiosity to learn about those you will be working with for what could be long hours. I answer the question by being brief and straight to the point "I'm a speaker and advocate for sexual assault awareness". This brings a multitude of reactions but NEVER a negative one. Some ask if it's due to a personal experience, some ask that I elaborate on where and how I work and spread my message, others have taken me aside to discuss the subject or ask me a lot of questions or my opinion on the latest news topics surrounding sexual assault. In the past few days a young girl opened up to me about her assault and counseling and an older gentlemen offered contact information for the family crisis center where he volunteers as a math/physics tutor when I asked him while elaborating they really need someone like me to come in and speak there. Finally a young guy told me of a smart phone app he has developed to help women in an emergency situation so I gave him my card and offered to share that information in a later blog when he was ready to market it.
At the kickoff for SAAM (April 1st) I felt it fitting that I share the positive experiences I've had in such a short period of time spreading the message of sexual assault awareness to such a broad audience. This is the best outcome I could ever wish for as part of my JoAnnSpeaksOut mission. All the victims, survivors, advocates and activists want is for people to start talking about the subject as if it was any other topic to be discussed. the time is way past due to bring it out of the shadows and raise the voices above a whisper when the words rape, date rape, sexual assault are spoken.
I think we are there and I couldn't be more excited about the future because if everyone starts talking about it the victims can begin to heal the perpetrators can be arrested and prosecuted and shame can be a thing of the past.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
#GivingAnyday
December recognizes Giving Tuesday and I'm sure you struggled as I did to what charity or charities in which to donate. I decided on a select few that I thought needed it the most in my own opinion. They included Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence organizations, my alma mater and a sustainable climate advocate although I will keep the specifics private. #GivingTuesday is relatively new but a wonderful idea and it got me thinking that it can be a great stepping off point for the rest of the year.
I have recently learned that there are other ways for my favorite organizations to receive much needed funds. One of them is through Amazon Smile. If you plan on doing any online shopping this season, and most of us will, then you can select from one of their spotlight organizations or a charity of your own choosing and that includes schools, non-profits, etc. You can also change it at any time. Amazon donates 0.5% of your eligible AmazonSmile purchase to your chosen charitable organization. I completed the process when purchasing my nephew's Christmas present and it was that simple. This is just one example of a purchase driven donation with many more available. See the site link below.
AmazonSmile
Throughout the year I also purchase products for myself from specific organizations that either donate a portion of the money back to their causes or have a buy one, donate one mission. With the gift giving season here it's another great way to give back when you're already going to be buying for someone else. I can personally recommend the following:
Joyful Heart Foundation - Supports Survivors of Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence and Child Abuse
Too. Apparel Women's Underwear - One pair donated to Women's & Children's shelter for every pair purchased
RAINN Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network - The Nation's Largest Anti-Sexual Organization
In the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's we may get caught up and lost in the shopping and parties but we should remember there are victims of sexual and domestic violence out there that need help and support all year long. The above organizations and many others are filling that need. It's so simple to provide that to them in a small way.
I have recently learned that there are other ways for my favorite organizations to receive much needed funds. One of them is through Amazon Smile. If you plan on doing any online shopping this season, and most of us will, then you can select from one of their spotlight organizations or a charity of your own choosing and that includes schools, non-profits, etc. You can also change it at any time. Amazon donates 0.5% of your eligible AmazonSmile purchase to your chosen charitable organization. I completed the process when purchasing my nephew's Christmas present and it was that simple. This is just one example of a purchase driven donation with many more available. See the site link below.
AmazonSmile
Throughout the year I also purchase products for myself from specific organizations that either donate a portion of the money back to their causes or have a buy one, donate one mission. With the gift giving season here it's another great way to give back when you're already going to be buying for someone else. I can personally recommend the following:
Joyful Heart Foundation - Supports Survivors of Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence and Child Abuse
Too. Apparel Women's Underwear - One pair donated to Women's & Children's shelter for every pair purchased
RAINN Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network - The Nation's Largest Anti-Sexual Organization
In the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's we may get caught up and lost in the shopping and parties but we should remember there are victims of sexual and domestic violence out there that need help and support all year long. The above organizations and many others are filling that need. It's so simple to provide that to them in a small way.
Monday, December 1, 2014
It Can Happen Anywhere
In a time span of just 6 hours on a Saturday night I saw 2 news reports, the first on NBC4 in Los Angeles and the second on CBS' 48 Hours. They each reported extensively on places where a large number of sexual assaults are occurring that I was completely unaware. As I've written before I do my best to stay informed as an advocate for victims of date rape and sexual assault but these are happening where the hierarchy either don't want to hear about it or don't want to do anything about it.
A report titled The Secret Inside the Postal Service uncovers an extensive list of reported sexual assaults, harassment and stalking against postal employees across the country. Victims are being attacked on their routes but even more alarming is that 1 in 5 sexual assaults were committed by other postal employees. One victim complained repeatedly to her managers yet they went ignored. Many reports of assault were investigated by the Human Resources department and never passed along to the postal service's internal police force and therefore never made it to the master list of reports by victims. The USPS stated they have a 'zero tolerance policy for sexual assault' but clearly are not following through with this policy. A link to this report follows.
A report by 48 Hours titled The Sober Truth investigated what's going on behind the scenes at AA-Alcoholics Anonymous. Members with criminal backgrounds including sexual and violent offenders are being allowed to attend meetings with everyone else. There is a well-known 13th step among members of harassment and unwanted sexual advances. Men who specifically prey on vulnerable women early in sobriety. A culture of sexual assault is going on by members of AA and other members are bullying the victims into not speaking out. Alcoholics Anonymous, the corporation, simply doesn't want to get involved. A link to this program follows.
In both reports victims are in places where they believe they are safe such as their workplace or AA but it's just the opposite. Instead, even if they are brave enough to come forward they are not supported in the proper manner or they are harassed into keeping quiet. This is unacceptable and we need to spread that message to both of these large organizations. Maybe we should also encourage these victims that there are many supportive organizations like RAINN and Joyful Heart Foundation or the hundreds of local rape crisis centers that will be there for them when they decide to speak out. Knowledge is power so let's share that power with the victims!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Practicing Self-Care
...I wanted to go over an important part of sexual assault recovery that I had become aware of only this year and until just recently began practicing myself. Although I received professional help on a regular basis from a trained rape counselor and am certain this was worked into my treatment I don't ever recall the term Self-Care being used by my counselor Laura from WOAR. Once I was accepted into the RAINN Speakers Bureau, thoroughly reviewed their website and documentation provided and connected with other rape crisis centers and organizations on Twitter did I see that phrase and study what it meant. I also began reading blogs by other victims/survivors of sexual assault who discussed the topic as part of their own recovery.
Good Self-Care is especially important for survivors of rape and sexual assault and part of the healing process and in my situation, as I discovered, still necessary over 10 years later. There are two central areas which are physical and emotional. Physical self-care includes Food, Exercise, Sleep and Medical Care and Emotional self-care is much more involved but can include Counseling, Journaling, Meditation and Relaxation Exercises and choosing the type of people you spend your time with and support they provide you. This is just an overview and I have provided a link below to the RAINN website which provides more details and information.
Although I was drugged and raped 10 1/2 years ago, received and completed counseling and sought justice through the courts I have written many times in my blog that I am still healing as I reach certain milestones and achieve certain accomplishments. In the past 5 1/2 years I have publicly given speeches and told my story to many groups. It's only this year that the frequency of those speeches has increased because I am now giving them on a full-time basis. I am also no longer living alone but now with my boyfriend and he began to point out my conduct before and after my speeches. My "freak outs" prior to leaving the house and my mood once I returned home were blatantly obvious to Steve as atypical behavior for me. I realized that before a speech I'm not particularly nervous and thought my anxiousness was because of a wardrobe issue. Then thinking back to all those previous speeches and my feelings of exhaustion hours afterward it was like a light bulb going on over my head. Every time I tell my story it takes a small emotional toll on me. I spent several years in which it was a part of my every day life and always at the front of my brain. That went away once the trials were over and the counseling concluded but I should have had the presence of mind to know this is a part of me and who I am and will always be there in some capacity.
Then I decided to continue to tell my story because it felt good to do so and I was in my own small way on track to help other victims. While doing that and telling my story I was bringing up painful memories and complicated emotions and not taking care of myself after which should have been common sense but clearly too obvious for me to see. What I thought was since I felt good during and immediately following a speech but once the adrenaline rush went away I was left with the painful memories. Now that I knew what was wrong I could fix it.
I am happy to say that the speech I gave 10 days ago went much differently. I prepared myself better prior to and took care of myself following the event. I thought it important to share this particular experience.Since victims and survivors are finding their way through the many stages of healing and as many of us (I wish it to be all) move on to have very healthy successful lives there will always be obstacles and challenges we need to meet head on and overcome. I'm living proof it can be done!
Practice whichever part of Self-Care works for you because no one knows what's best for us better than ourselves.
RAINN Self-Care for Survivors
Good Self-Care is especially important for survivors of rape and sexual assault and part of the healing process and in my situation, as I discovered, still necessary over 10 years later. There are two central areas which are physical and emotional. Physical self-care includes Food, Exercise, Sleep and Medical Care and Emotional self-care is much more involved but can include Counseling, Journaling, Meditation and Relaxation Exercises and choosing the type of people you spend your time with and support they provide you. This is just an overview and I have provided a link below to the RAINN website which provides more details and information.
Although I was drugged and raped 10 1/2 years ago, received and completed counseling and sought justice through the courts I have written many times in my blog that I am still healing as I reach certain milestones and achieve certain accomplishments. In the past 5 1/2 years I have publicly given speeches and told my story to many groups. It's only this year that the frequency of those speeches has increased because I am now giving them on a full-time basis. I am also no longer living alone but now with my boyfriend and he began to point out my conduct before and after my speeches. My "freak outs" prior to leaving the house and my mood once I returned home were blatantly obvious to Steve as atypical behavior for me. I realized that before a speech I'm not particularly nervous and thought my anxiousness was because of a wardrobe issue. Then thinking back to all those previous speeches and my feelings of exhaustion hours afterward it was like a light bulb going on over my head. Every time I tell my story it takes a small emotional toll on me. I spent several years in which it was a part of my every day life and always at the front of my brain. That went away once the trials were over and the counseling concluded but I should have had the presence of mind to know this is a part of me and who I am and will always be there in some capacity.
Then I decided to continue to tell my story because it felt good to do so and I was in my own small way on track to help other victims. While doing that and telling my story I was bringing up painful memories and complicated emotions and not taking care of myself after which should have been common sense but clearly too obvious for me to see. What I thought was since I felt good during and immediately following a speech but once the adrenaline rush went away I was left with the painful memories. Now that I knew what was wrong I could fix it.
I am happy to say that the speech I gave 10 days ago went much differently. I prepared myself better prior to and took care of myself following the event. I thought it important to share this particular experience.Since victims and survivors are finding their way through the many stages of healing and as many of us (I wish it to be all) move on to have very healthy successful lives there will always be obstacles and challenges we need to meet head on and overcome. I'm living proof it can be done!
Practice whichever part of Self-Care works for you because no one knows what's best for us better than ourselves.
RAINN Self-Care for Survivors
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Inspired by Another Survivor
...Back in April I had participated in the first annual Lace Up for RAINN Virtual 5k. After completing the walk I tweeted my picture and participation proudly and as a result I connected with another survivor on Twitter that also participated and who has now become a very good friend. Although separated by thousands of miles, 3 times zones and have never met face to face those things don't matter. We have a bond that is having been sexually assaulted. Not only that but we each spoke out, contacted law enforcement and sought counseling by those specifically trained to deal with our issues. Dana is also a blogger, advocate but in addition a talented musician (something we do not share).
After exchanging just a few tweets we became instant friends and communicated frequently about what we were each doing to try and make a difference. Our stories are different as she is a survivor of childhood sexual assault and mine is being drugged and date raped as an adult. This does not matter because the big picture goals are the same. We each have something to offer the other since on one side I have been speaking for several years and on the other she began blogging and journaling long before I decided to put my words in black and white. We can share everything from accomplishments to setbacks and frustrations and consult one another on our goals when necessary. Not since meeting the other Jeffrey Marsalis victims and becoming friends with Kristen have I felt this comfortable with someone but with Dana she and I get up every day and work on our missions. I am thankful to have her as a friend.
Which brings me to launching my blog. It hadn't even been on my radar until a few months into JoAnnSpeaksOut but after getting more familiar with Twitter and advocacy work it seemed like the natural progression. Steve had a blog and was encouraging me to get one started saying it was the perfect way to get my message out to the masses and hopefully turn it into something bigger. Then once I met Dana and began reading her blog it put my creativity and motivation on the fast track. Also once the college semester was over and my contacts would be on their Holiday breaks I would have more time to devote to writing. This was new territory for me and I wanted to focus as much attention to it as possible.
My story has a beginning, middle and end (unlike the majority of rape victims) so when I first wrote my speech that's the path I took and logically I would write the blog that way but I had no idea what it was going to do for me personally. Each day I sat down at my desk to write another piece of the story thoughts and perspective that I never knew I had flowed out onto the computer screen. I think it was because I had the opportunity to break it down to the tiniest details in addition to have the perspective that time offers you. This all began 10 years ago for me so that's a lot of time to have thoughts bouncing around in your head. I was now also 2,500 miles away living in a new town, a new home with a new life. It was almost as if I could now step outside of myself and look in to what I experienced. As the days past and the posts were written I realized that I liked what I was doing, could say everything I was thinking and even share a bit of the funny side to it.
I want to thank all my blog readers and let you know I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to read what I have to say and hope you continue to enjoy my posts...
If you are interested in Dana's story and her blog go to AfterSilence87
After exchanging just a few tweets we became instant friends and communicated frequently about what we were each doing to try and make a difference. Our stories are different as she is a survivor of childhood sexual assault and mine is being drugged and date raped as an adult. This does not matter because the big picture goals are the same. We each have something to offer the other since on one side I have been speaking for several years and on the other she began blogging and journaling long before I decided to put my words in black and white. We can share everything from accomplishments to setbacks and frustrations and consult one another on our goals when necessary. Not since meeting the other Jeffrey Marsalis victims and becoming friends with Kristen have I felt this comfortable with someone but with Dana she and I get up every day and work on our missions. I am thankful to have her as a friend.
Which brings me to launching my blog. It hadn't even been on my radar until a few months into JoAnnSpeaksOut but after getting more familiar with Twitter and advocacy work it seemed like the natural progression. Steve had a blog and was encouraging me to get one started saying it was the perfect way to get my message out to the masses and hopefully turn it into something bigger. Then once I met Dana and began reading her blog it put my creativity and motivation on the fast track. Also once the college semester was over and my contacts would be on their Holiday breaks I would have more time to devote to writing. This was new territory for me and I wanted to focus as much attention to it as possible.
My story has a beginning, middle and end (unlike the majority of rape victims) so when I first wrote my speech that's the path I took and logically I would write the blog that way but I had no idea what it was going to do for me personally. Each day I sat down at my desk to write another piece of the story thoughts and perspective that I never knew I had flowed out onto the computer screen. I think it was because I had the opportunity to break it down to the tiniest details in addition to have the perspective that time offers you. This all began 10 years ago for me so that's a lot of time to have thoughts bouncing around in your head. I was now also 2,500 miles away living in a new town, a new home with a new life. It was almost as if I could now step outside of myself and look in to what I experienced. As the days past and the posts were written I realized that I liked what I was doing, could say everything I was thinking and even share a bit of the funny side to it.
I want to thank all my blog readers and let you know I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to read what I have to say and hope you continue to enjoy my posts...
If you are interested in Dana's story and her blog go to AfterSilence87
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Getting Results
...Within the first couple of months of JoAnnSpeaksOut I was making a significant amount of progress considering I had to make all new contacts. The timing was right too as April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I could promote my prior yearly speeches given at the Stockton College event in hopes I would be invited to any Take Back the Night events on local campuses. One of the very first things I did was submit an application to RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) to be accepted into their Speakers Bureau. They are the gold standard and one of the most respected organizations to offer multiple services for sexual assault of any kind. To my surprise and excitement I received an email within days of my mailing the application welcoming me into their organization as a member of the Speakers Bureau. Steve had to peel me off the ceiling I was that happy. I then immediately called my family to share the good news. In my opinion this set the tone for my entire plan and signaled I was off to a very good start.
The following month contained requests to meetings with two crisis centers both affiliated with very large LA and Orange County Universities. I was invited into their version of speakers bureaus also. Strength United affiliated with CSU Northridge had a victims advocacy retraining meeting coming up a week later and they asked that I speak to them and tell my story. Next, I booked a speaking event at CSU Long Beach for their TBTN and through RAINN I was invited to UCLA's Clothesline Project Speak Out both of which were in April.
In the middle of all this I flew home to NJ because the professor at Penn so kindly flattered me by saying she was having trouble replacing me with another speaker and invited me back for the Spring semester. This was a great opportunity on many levels #1 I could go home and visit my family and friends, #2 I needed to record one of my speeches for the media tab on my website and this would allow me to do that. Their was a small complication with the plan which was I had to ask my mom to attend and work the video recorder. After 5 years of me avoiding having her seeing my speech live I would have to suck it up and accept her presence there. Don't get me wrong she had asked many times it was just something I wasn't ready for but as I've said many times the healing process is a series of endless steps towards being whole again and this was another one of them. When the day came it wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be but let's be honest it never really is now is it?
All in all as many non responses or declines to my speaking services I got the positive feedback and scheduled events were enough to keep me focused and moving forward. I considered myself very lucky and tried to remember that every day when I sat down to my laptop and began working. Very few of those self-employed get off to such a good start and it seems I was laughing in the face of those difficult odds. I was feeling pretty good about myself which I should because it was me that I was selling...
Affiliations and Links
RAINN
Strength United
UC Irvine Counseling Center
The following month contained requests to meetings with two crisis centers both affiliated with very large LA and Orange County Universities. I was invited into their version of speakers bureaus also. Strength United affiliated with CSU Northridge had a victims advocacy retraining meeting coming up a week later and they asked that I speak to them and tell my story. Next, I booked a speaking event at CSU Long Beach for their TBTN and through RAINN I was invited to UCLA's Clothesline Project Speak Out both of which were in April.
In the middle of all this I flew home to NJ because the professor at Penn so kindly flattered me by saying she was having trouble replacing me with another speaker and invited me back for the Spring semester. This was a great opportunity on many levels #1 I could go home and visit my family and friends, #2 I needed to record one of my speeches for the media tab on my website and this would allow me to do that. Their was a small complication with the plan which was I had to ask my mom to attend and work the video recorder. After 5 years of me avoiding having her seeing my speech live I would have to suck it up and accept her presence there. Don't get me wrong she had asked many times it was just something I wasn't ready for but as I've said many times the healing process is a series of endless steps towards being whole again and this was another one of them. When the day came it wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be but let's be honest it never really is now is it?
All in all as many non responses or declines to my speaking services I got the positive feedback and scheduled events were enough to keep me focused and moving forward. I considered myself very lucky and tried to remember that every day when I sat down to my laptop and began working. Very few of those self-employed get off to such a good start and it seems I was laughing in the face of those difficult odds. I was feeling pretty good about myself which I should because it was me that I was selling...
Affiliations and Links
RAINN
Strength United
UC Irvine Counseling Center
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Being an Active Bystander
I recently read an article on iWillESV.tumblr that inspired this post.
...It was a cold March night but I was really looking forward to what was planned. As my girlfriends and I got older we were seeing less and less of each other because life happens. We were in relationships, getting engaged, married and having babies so getting together was sometimes a logistical nightmare that would leave even the best party planner frazzled. But finally we had settled on a night to go out and celebrate my friend's birthday at a club in Philly called 32(degrees). We would dance and celebrate like old times.
The night was off to a good start as everyone arrived at the bar, quickly started chatting each other up, toasting to my friends birthday and mingling with the people around us. Within an hour the club was packed and loud and we were all having a great time. That was about to change as I began to witness something that was increasingly upsetting to me. My friends and I were standing at the bar and in the open space between it and the bottle service tables. Near us was a large group of about 8, more guys than girls. One of the girls appeared to be very drunk but from my unfortunate experience it looked like more than just too much alcohol that was affecting her. She had a drink in her hand but was barely able to hold on to it as she was at almost a complete loss of control of her body. For several minutes I watched as she leaned against the wall that barely held her up. Then as she moved towards the group she was nearly on the floor all the while surrounded by her "friends". The other girls ignored her and I did not feel comfortable with how the guys were reacting to her. They allowed her to not only lean up against them but to fall all over them. They didn't try to help her in any way nor did they take the drink away from her. Who would treat a friend this way and why didn't they care?
I grabbed my friend Renee to tell her what I saw, asked her to watch and if in her opinion she thought something wasn't right about the who scenario either. She agreed with me so I then said we need to alert the club's security who was standing nearby. The first one I spoke to was not taking me seriously so I walked away and approached another. At this point I was near tears because I was still watching this girl acting in a manner that was beyond just the effects of too many drinks. My friend stood by me as I tried to keep calm and explain that they needed to intervene for her own safety. This took way too much persuading on my part before he finally agreed to check on her.
My mind was racing as I was having flashbacks to what had happened to me. I was also thinking of the other victims of Jeffrey Marsalis, the assaults committed by him and if just one person had stepped in to speak up on their behalf how for some things would have ended up a lot differently. I'm not including myself as I know I was drugged in his apartment. I simply could not get a hold of my emotions and asked Renee if we could go home as we had come together. She didn't hesitate to say yes so we made up an excuse, said good-bye to our friends and left. I couldn't shake what happened that night for quite a while. It most definitely set my healing back a bit and I spent the next counseling session with Laura talking about it.
At the time I didn't know anything about being an 'Active Bystander' or 'Bystander Awareness' but what I did know is that just a little common sense can go a long way to saving someone's life. Please read the article link above and share my post with your family and friends. If you see something that is setting off your instinct alarms then speak up, say something or tell someone. You will only regret not doing so!
As part of RAINN's ItsOnUs awareness campaign to prevent campus sexual assault I have included their Four Ways to Keep Friends Safe provided here.
...It was a cold March night but I was really looking forward to what was planned. As my girlfriends and I got older we were seeing less and less of each other because life happens. We were in relationships, getting engaged, married and having babies so getting together was sometimes a logistical nightmare that would leave even the best party planner frazzled. But finally we had settled on a night to go out and celebrate my friend's birthday at a club in Philly called 32(degrees). We would dance and celebrate like old times.
The night was off to a good start as everyone arrived at the bar, quickly started chatting each other up, toasting to my friends birthday and mingling with the people around us. Within an hour the club was packed and loud and we were all having a great time. That was about to change as I began to witness something that was increasingly upsetting to me. My friends and I were standing at the bar and in the open space between it and the bottle service tables. Near us was a large group of about 8, more guys than girls. One of the girls appeared to be very drunk but from my unfortunate experience it looked like more than just too much alcohol that was affecting her. She had a drink in her hand but was barely able to hold on to it as she was at almost a complete loss of control of her body. For several minutes I watched as she leaned against the wall that barely held her up. Then as she moved towards the group she was nearly on the floor all the while surrounded by her "friends". The other girls ignored her and I did not feel comfortable with how the guys were reacting to her. They allowed her to not only lean up against them but to fall all over them. They didn't try to help her in any way nor did they take the drink away from her. Who would treat a friend this way and why didn't they care?
I grabbed my friend Renee to tell her what I saw, asked her to watch and if in her opinion she thought something wasn't right about the who scenario either. She agreed with me so I then said we need to alert the club's security who was standing nearby. The first one I spoke to was not taking me seriously so I walked away and approached another. At this point I was near tears because I was still watching this girl acting in a manner that was beyond just the effects of too many drinks. My friend stood by me as I tried to keep calm and explain that they needed to intervene for her own safety. This took way too much persuading on my part before he finally agreed to check on her.
My mind was racing as I was having flashbacks to what had happened to me. I was also thinking of the other victims of Jeffrey Marsalis, the assaults committed by him and if just one person had stepped in to speak up on their behalf how for some things would have ended up a lot differently. I'm not including myself as I know I was drugged in his apartment. I simply could not get a hold of my emotions and asked Renee if we could go home as we had come together. She didn't hesitate to say yes so we made up an excuse, said good-bye to our friends and left. I couldn't shake what happened that night for quite a while. It most definitely set my healing back a bit and I spent the next counseling session with Laura talking about it.
At the time I didn't know anything about being an 'Active Bystander' or 'Bystander Awareness' but what I did know is that just a little common sense can go a long way to saving someone's life. Please read the article link above and share my post with your family and friends. If you see something that is setting off your instinct alarms then speak up, say something or tell someone. You will only regret not doing so!
As part of RAINN's ItsOnUs awareness campaign to prevent campus sexual assault I have included their Four Ways to Keep Friends Safe provided here.
→ Distract. If you see a friend in a situation that doesn’t feel quite right, create a distraction to get your friend to safety.
→ Step in. If you see someone who looks uncomfortable or is at risk, step in. If you feel safe, find a way to de-escalate the situation and separate all parties involved.
→ Enlist others. You don’t have to go it alone. Call on friends or other people in the area as reinforcements to help defuse a dangerous situation and get the at-risk person home safely.
→ Keep an eye out. Simply being aware of your surroundings can have a big impact on someone’s life. If you see someone who has had too much to drink or could be vulnerable, try to get them to a safe place.
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