...One year ago today (October 25th) I walked out the door of my condo where I lived for 19 years and was the first home I bought on my own. I said good bye to my family and friends and New Jersey and got on a plane to start my new life on a new coast. My boyfriend was waiting for me in California in his current and my new home. I was about to face head on the expected and unexpected and everything ahead was new to me.
I had never been in a committed enough relationship where I lived with a significant other and besides the first 9 years of my life in New York I had only ever resided in New Jersey surrounded by family and friends. I had only ever worked for someone else and never considered for a moment being self-employed. What I did know though was that I was ready to do all the things I mentioned without hesitation. It was time to make changes that would be very good for me. Although I had the love of my family and friends back in NJ what I didn't have there was the love of a great guy and the respect and appreciation I deserved from a job that I put my heart and sole into for 6 years. Both of those were in California and I was really looking forward to what I knew I deserved.
It wasn't all rainbows and roses though because the first few months were filled with adjustments. I was moving my possessions into an already lived in apartment and combining our things was just short of a nightmare for this self-diagnosed girl with OCD and every time I got in the car to drive somewhere they were on roads I had never been on before to towns I had never been to before. I most certainly got lost a few times. Then there was that new experience of learning how to live with someone. I'll leave it at that. Once I was settled in and familiar with my new city it was time to start my new business which came with its own set of challenges but I got up every day and got to work navigating my way through it. By Summer I had made a lot of progress and was feeling very good about what I had accomplished so far professionally.
Aside from the challenges on the negative side there were a lot of firsts on the positive side. Steve and I finally lived in the same time zone and we did all the things we couldn't do the previous 2 years. Socially we keep very busy from attending sports games, theater, concerts, parties, have friends over for dinner and holidays and so far traveled to San Francisco and San Diego and this weekend our first time on the same plane together to spend the weekend in Phoenix to watch our favorite football team the Philadelphia Eagles play. We are having a lot of fun to say the least and still getting to know each other now that we live together.
In a week I will be going home (back East because CA is really my home now) for the second visit to give a speech at Univ of Penn and squeeze in as much time as I can visiting family and friends. I miss them a lot and I miss NJ too but not in the way that you want to move back but in a nostalgic way. I can't believe it's been a year but when I think of everything I have done it adds up to a years worth and more. Simply put I am happy and excited for what my new future holds...
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Getting The Message Out
...Last week I had the honor and privilege of speaking (as I do each semester) to the Victimology class at University of Pennsylvania. I very much enjoy speaking to this bright, attentive group of students who always ask thoughtful, insightful questions.
Following the speech, after the students left class Dr. Kathleen Brown and I had a conversation regarding the importance of a specific focus in my speech which is to seek counseling after being the victim of a date rape/sexual assault. Her students are part of the Nursing program at the university and know frequently victims are encouraged to get medical attention and report to law enforcement but the discussion is less focused on counseling and therapy.
Dr. Brown also shared with me her recent involvement with the growing epidemic of human trafficking and the healing process for those victims. We talked about the latest obstacle to overcome is getting the message out to sexual assault victims. The message inclusive of, what type of help is out there and how much there is available. We agreed there is a need to figure out an efficient way to get the information to the victims. We have so many outlets (internet, social media, even the medical community and law enforcement involved, etc.) to get the resources available to the victims but have yet to figure out the best way to do so.
This is not the first time I have considered the issue. In an effort to promote my public speaking and advocacy I am trying to figure out new and innovative ways to get my message out. What groups of people can I get to tell my story to that have the ability to influence others? I spend endless hours each week researching and using whatever means possible to connect to those in a position of power. If I can email, tweet, message the right person I can start a domino effect that ends in expanded awareness.
I feel we are all in this together fighting for awareness and as victims, survivors, advocates, counselors, concerned humans our voices are loud and strong. If anyone has an idea to share with me or wants to team up we can heal those victims of sexual violence so they can ultimately lead long, healthy lives...just as I did.
Following the speech, after the students left class Dr. Kathleen Brown and I had a conversation regarding the importance of a specific focus in my speech which is to seek counseling after being the victim of a date rape/sexual assault. Her students are part of the Nursing program at the university and know frequently victims are encouraged to get medical attention and report to law enforcement but the discussion is less focused on counseling and therapy.
Dr. Brown also shared with me her recent involvement with the growing epidemic of human trafficking and the healing process for those victims. We talked about the latest obstacle to overcome is getting the message out to sexual assault victims. The message inclusive of, what type of help is out there and how much there is available. We agreed there is a need to figure out an efficient way to get the information to the victims. We have so many outlets (internet, social media, even the medical community and law enforcement involved, etc.) to get the resources available to the victims but have yet to figure out the best way to do so.
This is not the first time I have considered the issue. In an effort to promote my public speaking and advocacy I am trying to figure out new and innovative ways to get my message out. What groups of people can I get to tell my story to that have the ability to influence others? I spend endless hours each week researching and using whatever means possible to connect to those in a position of power. If I can email, tweet, message the right person I can start a domino effect that ends in expanded awareness.
I feel we are all in this together fighting for awareness and as victims, survivors, advocates, counselors, concerned humans our voices are loud and strong. If anyone has an idea to share with me or wants to team up we can heal those victims of sexual violence so they can ultimately lead long, healthy lives...just as I did.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Innocent Until Proven Guilty
...The first week of January seems to have reignited the news stories about comedian Bill Cosby and the allegations by multiple women whom he drugged and sexually assaulted. Not that it was out of the news completely but several things happened most recently. He began a comedy tour through 3 Canadian cities where protestors not only showed up outside the venues but spoke up during the show. His former "Cosby Show" co-star Phylicia Rashad made some controversial statements regarding the victims (stating "this isn't about the women but about a legacy"). Finally three more victims came forward. In the past month while this story continues to be reported I hear a frequent yet frustrating comment made by some in the public. Many offer opinions either way whether they believe the victims or not but say in this country we are "Innocent Until Proven Guilty". Every time I hear this my blood begins to boil and here's why.
I would first like to say that I have great respect for the law and our legal process. I believe in our legal system and know that it does its best to be fair and just. It's by no means perfect but in my opinion one of the best in the world. It is also not lost on me as a rape victim who has gotten justice and seen her attacker found guilty on multiple sexual assaults and rape that I am very lucky. I repeat this to myself frequently!
That being said I feel passionately about the subject yet the majority of victims of sexual assault who will never see any kind of justice whatsoever and I feel a responsibility to speak out and fight for them. The likelihood that a rape victim will come forward to report, the prosecutor finding enough evidence to move forward with the case, then for it go to trial and have a jury find the rapist guilty are shockingly low. So low in fact that 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail. Does that mean that the public should only believe 3% of rape victims? That is utterly absurd. The crime and prosecution of sexual assault is monumentally different than other crimes such as a burglary, murder, etc that it's unlikely the victim even gets to prove their attacker guilty. This means that all those idealists out there get to stand up and say "Innocent Until Proven Guilty" and walk away with their conscience clean. Wouldn't it be nice if a rape victim could do the same by walking away but their lives are profoundly changed forever. I know that because mine certainly was and I'm one of the 3%. Imagine a victim in the 97% who doesn't get justice. Not to mention a statute of limitations on sexual assault and if that has expired the victim has no legal recourse whatsoever. This is the case with ALL the Bill Cosby victims. The law is essentially saying that because of a lapse in time the crime didn't happen.
As far as I'm concerned the belief of "Innocent Until Proven Guilty" is lame and a cop out under these particular set of circumstances and does a great disservice to victims of rape and sexual assault. I also think it's extremely hurtful to victims that they could be so easily dismissed by a simple statement. If the public was only informed enough to know how hard it is to get a rapist to trial they wouldn't be so quick to give the benefit of the doubt to the accused and not the accuser. I think it's time that more people believe the victim and question what the accused has done instead of the other way around. I know I'm tired of it and for as long as I can I will work to inform the uninformed!
I would first like to say that I have great respect for the law and our legal process. I believe in our legal system and know that it does its best to be fair and just. It's by no means perfect but in my opinion one of the best in the world. It is also not lost on me as a rape victim who has gotten justice and seen her attacker found guilty on multiple sexual assaults and rape that I am very lucky. I repeat this to myself frequently!
That being said I feel passionately about the subject yet the majority of victims of sexual assault who will never see any kind of justice whatsoever and I feel a responsibility to speak out and fight for them. The likelihood that a rape victim will come forward to report, the prosecutor finding enough evidence to move forward with the case, then for it go to trial and have a jury find the rapist guilty are shockingly low. So low in fact that 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail. Does that mean that the public should only believe 3% of rape victims? That is utterly absurd. The crime and prosecution of sexual assault is monumentally different than other crimes such as a burglary, murder, etc that it's unlikely the victim even gets to prove their attacker guilty. This means that all those idealists out there get to stand up and say "Innocent Until Proven Guilty" and walk away with their conscience clean. Wouldn't it be nice if a rape victim could do the same by walking away but their lives are profoundly changed forever. I know that because mine certainly was and I'm one of the 3%. Imagine a victim in the 97% who doesn't get justice. Not to mention a statute of limitations on sexual assault and if that has expired the victim has no legal recourse whatsoever. This is the case with ALL the Bill Cosby victims. The law is essentially saying that because of a lapse in time the crime didn't happen.
As far as I'm concerned the belief of "Innocent Until Proven Guilty" is lame and a cop out under these particular set of circumstances and does a great disservice to victims of rape and sexual assault. I also think it's extremely hurtful to victims that they could be so easily dismissed by a simple statement. If the public was only informed enough to know how hard it is to get a rapist to trial they wouldn't be so quick to give the benefit of the doubt to the accused and not the accuser. I think it's time that more people believe the victim and question what the accused has done instead of the other way around. I know I'm tired of it and for as long as I can I will work to inform the uninformed!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Online Dating Predators
...Even after all we now know about embellished online dating profiles the predators continue to prey. I was a victim of the Match.com serial rapist whose fabricated online profile mirrored his fabricated life. He specifically created pictures to post on the website to match his made up career and took it to the next level with fake ID's and a staged apartment. He had everything he needed to lure women in to accept "dates" with him and then keep them interested just long enough to drug and rape us.
Numerous documentaries, news reports and over 10 years later men are still using the internet to meet women and victimize them. Most recently a California man Sean Banks was sentenced to 37 years in prison for raping two women he met on Christian Mingle and Match.com and as with my rapist Jeffrey Marsalis he maintained his innocence until the very end. Irrelevant now because both will be spending the next few decades in prison, potentially the rest of their life!
In 2011 a woman sued Match.com after she met and dated a man through the website and was sexually assaulted on their second date. The man had a violent history involving sex assault cases and if the website had a screening program for all members the victim claimed she never would have been violently attacked.
Match.com had released the following statement: "Members should check out safety tips on the site, that it is their sole responsibility for screening other members and that what happens on dates is not the responsibility of the company". This is the same statement released when notified of my attacker Jeffrey Marsalis' numerous sexual assaults using the same website to meet women. It's lame legalese as far as I'm concerned.
The victim was not suing for a monetary settlement, only asking that Match.com screens its members against the sex offender registry. As a direct result of the lawsuit Match.com released a statement that ..."they will agree to check new members against the sex offender registry". Prior to the lawsuit eHarmony already had a system in which they checked the registry and other sites planned on doing so. This is an excellent way of protecting women from registered sex offenders but if the men haven't yet been convicted then it won't catch new offenders. In this case we can only trust our instincts and set up check in times or any other plan a woman feels comfortable with when planning on meeting a man for the first time.
Numerous documentaries, news reports and over 10 years later men are still using the internet to meet women and victimize them. Most recently a California man Sean Banks was sentenced to 37 years in prison for raping two women he met on Christian Mingle and Match.com and as with my rapist Jeffrey Marsalis he maintained his innocence until the very end. Irrelevant now because both will be spending the next few decades in prison, potentially the rest of their life!
In 2011 a woman sued Match.com after she met and dated a man through the website and was sexually assaulted on their second date. The man had a violent history involving sex assault cases and if the website had a screening program for all members the victim claimed she never would have been violently attacked.
Match.com had released the following statement: "Members should check out safety tips on the site, that it is their sole responsibility for screening other members and that what happens on dates is not the responsibility of the company". This is the same statement released when notified of my attacker Jeffrey Marsalis' numerous sexual assaults using the same website to meet women. It's lame legalese as far as I'm concerned.
The victim was not suing for a monetary settlement, only asking that Match.com screens its members against the sex offender registry. As a direct result of the lawsuit Match.com released a statement that ..."they will agree to check new members against the sex offender registry". Prior to the lawsuit eHarmony already had a system in which they checked the registry and other sites planned on doing so. This is an excellent way of protecting women from registered sex offenders but if the men haven't yet been convicted then it won't catch new offenders. In this case we can only trust our instincts and set up check in times or any other plan a woman feels comfortable with when planning on meeting a man for the first time.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Serial Rapists: More Common Than You Think
I am a victim of a serial date rapist and contrary to what the general public believes this is more common than stranger rape. The scary unknown man coming out of the shadows just isn't the case. Most sexual assault victims know their attacker, they are the scary man that we, for the most part trust, or we wouldn't be in their company in the first place. A staggering two-thirds of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.
A recent speech by a Michigan district attorney during an End The Backlog press conference specifically brought up the fact that rapists rape again. They repeat this violent act over and over again which makes their prolonged punishment (once caught and convicted) so vital. Rapists are not rehabilitated in prison because when released there is a high probability commit another crime including rape again. Unfortunately 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail so the available statistics are only on convicted sex offenders.
It's exactly the reason why when my attacker (Jeffrey Marsalis) was caught law enforcement, prosecutors and many of his victims worked so hard to make sure he was put in prison long enough where he wouldn't be released to prey on more victims. Jeffrey Marsalis believes he didn't do anything wrong so what would stop him from raping again. As a result of my experience and what I've learned I was driven to spread the message to other potential Marsalis victims and tell them they weren't the only one and encourage them to either speak up, come forward, get help or all of the above. They are not alone. I also wanted to tell my story and use it as a learning tool for dating women. My actions before and during the 'date' and how I reacted after all have a message attached and that is: Trust your Instincts. If I had only done that then the outcome would have been much different but I don't dwell on how I could have changed things in the past I just want to effect change in the future. If something good comes from something bad that's all that matters to me.
The sooner we catch and convict each rapist the less potential victims there will be and isn't that really what we are all working towards.
If you would like to learn more follow the links below.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Continued Media Interest
...In October I received an email from Joe Khan (the prosecutor in my case) who continues to field all media requests offered to the victims in the Jeffrey Marsalis case. He had received a request from a producer of a very large entertainment company and television channel. She had done a significant amount of research on Jeffrey Marsalis, his crimes and his victims and was planning on developing an episode/report for one of their programs. She was asking if not only would Joe take part and be interviewed but would any of the victims in the case be interested. Joe's email included a short introduction from him and included a forward of the email he had gotten from the producer so we could read it for ourselves and decide whether we wanted to contact her or not.
I responded to Joe's email thanking him for the information and told him I would be contacting the producer to let her know of my interest and that I would follow up with him. I then drafted an email to the producer to include the other interviews I participated in, what I accomplished so far as a public speaker and advocate for date rape and sexual assault victims and how she could reach me. She called me within just a few hours and we spoke for quite awhile. I was impressed with her knowledge of the case and the many victims and her passion for getting this story out to the public and keeping it relevant. We had an instant connection and she asked if I would like to be interviewed for the show which I eagerly accepted. We discussed details of a preliminary face to face meeting and an approximate shooting date.
Within the next few weeks we spoke several more times via phone and email and met in person once. She filled me in on the format of the show and who she was interviewing and how it would fit in with my interview. I was excited and happy to be part of another program that brings light to date rape and sexual assault and be able to tell my story and spread my personal message to a very large audience and one that fits the important target group I wanted to reach. Yesterday (Monday) was my interview and it went very well. The producer took me through my story of how I met Jeffrey Marsalis online and the details of our "date", the trial, sentencing and my experience with the other victims. She was well prepared, asked excellent questions and made it all very easy for me to say what I needed and wanted to say about my attacker and the subject. I was very pleased with how the day had gone.
On a side note: I had recently written a blog about practicing self-care as a rape survivor and how I hadn't been so good at doing so but I am proud to say I not only began my emotional preparation the day before but planned out my wardrobe, driving route and all the other details I had previously left until just before a speech, podcast, etc. Once I got home I only had a few minutes to decompress as Steve and I had plans that evening but he jumped in and helped me out and I had time to close my eyes and unwind in the car before we arrived to our party.
My experience with what is now my 3rd television interview is not lost on me. I woke up that day feeling grateful for those who were there throughout the entire ordeal but also continue to share along with me the importance of keeping the story alive. I was also feeling thankful for the media who continues to learn of this story years later and wants to broadcast it to their viewers. It is never lost on me how lucky I am. Yes I was a victim of a violent serial date rapist but what I took from it is learning of how many good people there are in this world and that is a very valuable realization...
I responded to Joe's email thanking him for the information and told him I would be contacting the producer to let her know of my interest and that I would follow up with him. I then drafted an email to the producer to include the other interviews I participated in, what I accomplished so far as a public speaker and advocate for date rape and sexual assault victims and how she could reach me. She called me within just a few hours and we spoke for quite awhile. I was impressed with her knowledge of the case and the many victims and her passion for getting this story out to the public and keeping it relevant. We had an instant connection and she asked if I would like to be interviewed for the show which I eagerly accepted. We discussed details of a preliminary face to face meeting and an approximate shooting date.
Within the next few weeks we spoke several more times via phone and email and met in person once. She filled me in on the format of the show and who she was interviewing and how it would fit in with my interview. I was excited and happy to be part of another program that brings light to date rape and sexual assault and be able to tell my story and spread my personal message to a very large audience and one that fits the important target group I wanted to reach. Yesterday (Monday) was my interview and it went very well. The producer took me through my story of how I met Jeffrey Marsalis online and the details of our "date", the trial, sentencing and my experience with the other victims. She was well prepared, asked excellent questions and made it all very easy for me to say what I needed and wanted to say about my attacker and the subject. I was very pleased with how the day had gone.
On a side note: I had recently written a blog about practicing self-care as a rape survivor and how I hadn't been so good at doing so but I am proud to say I not only began my emotional preparation the day before but planned out my wardrobe, driving route and all the other details I had previously left until just before a speech, podcast, etc. Once I got home I only had a few minutes to decompress as Steve and I had plans that evening but he jumped in and helped me out and I had time to close my eyes and unwind in the car before we arrived to our party.
My experience with what is now my 3rd television interview is not lost on me. I woke up that day feeling grateful for those who were there throughout the entire ordeal but also continue to share along with me the importance of keeping the story alive. I was also feeling thankful for the media who continues to learn of this story years later and wants to broadcast it to their viewers. It is never lost on me how lucky I am. Yes I was a victim of a violent serial date rapist but what I took from it is learning of how many good people there are in this world and that is a very valuable realization...
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
DVAM: A Look Back
Last Friday brought an end to Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I wanted to look back at what was accomplished in terms of promotion and awareness. The NOMORE organization teamed up with current and former NFL players along with celebrity directors to create a PSA that is being played during Monday and Thursday night football games and during the Sunday games. I personally witnessed the ad being aired in a football stadium during a recent Sunday game. These men stood up to say #NOMORE opening up the dialogue on a subject that has rarely been part of a general topic of discussion.
In the past few months Hotlines have been flooded with phone calls and staffs had to be increased as a result of not only the awareness campaigns but the light shined on this horrible act of interpersonal violence. Largely in part after the video of Ray Rice beating his then fiance now wife in an Atlantic Casino elevator. As I had written in previous blogs this put a face on something that was for the most part kept behind closed doors and not talked about by the victims. Suddenly the media was talking and sharing their outrage and the public was weighing in too. Some very successful women including Meredith Vieira told their personal story of domestic violence and everything she went through emotionally and physically while being victimized. This allowed many victims to come out of the shadows and reach out for help.
Then in late August the NFL made sweeping changes to their Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault punishment policy taking a very vocal stand saying it's not OK. Today Ray Rice and his lawyers will begin the process of appealing his punishment essentially turning back the clock. His argument being that he was punished initially by the NFL with a suspension and then received a 2nd punishment after the policy was changed. If this is his idea of turning a corner and repenting it's not the way to go about it.
From what I've learned about domestic violence abusers and as a victim/survivor of a serial date rapist, even after serving their punishments the abusers go back to their abusive ways. In my opinion no punishment for these offenders is long or harsh enough. What we do have in our favor is our voices. I've learned throughout my healing process that my voice along with the many supporters of family, friends and advocates is very powerful and I will use it for however long and far it will take me to stop violence against women (& men) for good!
In the past few months Hotlines have been flooded with phone calls and staffs had to be increased as a result of not only the awareness campaigns but the light shined on this horrible act of interpersonal violence. Largely in part after the video of Ray Rice beating his then fiance now wife in an Atlantic Casino elevator. As I had written in previous blogs this put a face on something that was for the most part kept behind closed doors and not talked about by the victims. Suddenly the media was talking and sharing their outrage and the public was weighing in too. Some very successful women including Meredith Vieira told their personal story of domestic violence and everything she went through emotionally and physically while being victimized. This allowed many victims to come out of the shadows and reach out for help.
Then in late August the NFL made sweeping changes to their Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault punishment policy taking a very vocal stand saying it's not OK. Today Ray Rice and his lawyers will begin the process of appealing his punishment essentially turning back the clock. His argument being that he was punished initially by the NFL with a suspension and then received a 2nd punishment after the policy was changed. If this is his idea of turning a corner and repenting it's not the way to go about it.
From what I've learned about domestic violence abusers and as a victim/survivor of a serial date rapist, even after serving their punishments the abusers go back to their abusive ways. In my opinion no punishment for these offenders is long or harsh enough. What we do have in our favor is our voices. I've learned throughout my healing process that my voice along with the many supporters of family, friends and advocates is very powerful and I will use it for however long and far it will take me to stop violence against women (& men) for good!
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