FROM VICTIM TO SURVIVOR
To tell my story as a date rape survivor and communicate my message in a way that can help the most people.
As a proud member of the RAINN Speaker's Bureau I not only receive speakers requests but information regarding other events, projects, etc. happening in the sexual assault community. Most recently I was notified of a research study and provided contact details if I wanted to participate. This particular study examines how people overcome traumatic experiences specifically whether people's recovery from traumatic events, such as domestic violence and sexual assault, is related to volunteering and helping others. I felt as if this was tailor made for me and contacted them immediately. After a few mutual introductory emails I was provided with an ID number and a link to the survey so I could complete and return it. As always I was happy to be using my negative life experience for something positive with the potential to effect change in some way.
A few weeks later I was contacted by the project leader who through a review of my website became aware of my advocacy and awareness work of date rape and sexual assault. He explained to me they were still in the data collection process of the study, still surveying those individuals who have experienced traumatic events and asked if I would post the survey flyer to my website in hopes of getting more participants. Since I thought the particular research work they were doing was valuable I was eager to step in and help in any way.
This idea started when Joseph Wagoner, a doctoral student at Claremont Graduate University and adjunct faculty member at CSU Fullerton began working in the Institute for Research on Social Issues in the Fall of 2012. (After obtaining a Bachelor's & Master's in Psychology at CSU Fresno) The Institute investigates social issues that influence our society and he began working on a project examining how people overcome traumatic events. His advisor Dr. Allen Omoto and other members of the institute became specifically interested in whether those victims of domestic violence and sexual assault overcome traumatic events by helping other people having the same experience. It has been shown there is some evidence that volunteering and helping others can enhance well-being and interpersonal relationships. However it is unclear how traumatic events help or inhibit volunteerism and helping others. Overall, they are interested in how people move from being a victim to survivor and if this influences their intentions to help others.
If you or someone you know are interested in this project contact Joseph Wagoner directly. More details and his contact information are on the Flyer. The link below will take you directly to my website where the Flyer is posted.
Trauma Survey Flyer
December recognizes Giving Tuesday and I'm sure you struggled as I did to what charity or charities in which to donate. I decided on a select few that I thought needed it the most in my own opinion. They included Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence organizations, my alma mater and a sustainable climate advocate although I will keep the specifics private. #GivingTuesday is relatively new but a wonderful idea and it got me thinking that it can be a great stepping off point for the rest of the year.
I have recently learned that there are other ways for my favorite organizations to receive much needed funds. One of them is through Amazon Smile. If you plan on doing any online shopping this season, and most of us will, then you can select from one of their spotlight organizations or a charity of your own choosing and that includes schools, non-profits, etc. You can also change it at any time. Amazon donates 0.5% of your eligible AmazonSmile purchase to your chosen charitable organization. I completed the process when purchasing my nephew's Christmas present and it was that simple. This is just one example of a purchase driven donation with many more available. See the site link below.
AmazonSmile
Throughout the year I also purchase products for myself from specific organizations that either donate a portion of the money back to their causes or have a buy one, donate one mission. With the gift giving season here it's another great way to give back when you're already going to be buying for someone else. I can personally recommend the following:
Joyful Heart Foundation - Supports Survivors of Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence and Child Abuse
Too. Apparel Women's Underwear - One pair donated to Women's & Children's shelter for every pair purchased
RAINN Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network - The Nation's Largest Anti-Sexual Organization
In the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's we may get caught up and lost in the shopping and parties but we should remember there are victims of sexual and domestic violence out there that need help and support all year long. The above organizations and many others are filling that need. It's so simple to provide that to them in a small way.
Victim blaming is one of the biggest obstacles sexual assault and domestic violence organizations and prosecutors have to overcome. Why is it that with any other crime against a person the victim is not blamed? Burglaries, murders, carjackings, home invasions, muggings I could go on and on but you see where I am going with this and it is that when others stand in judgement or comment it's not directed toward the victim or anything they may have done to provoke a crime committed against them. What makes people so uncomfortable about a women being raped whether be it by a stranger on the street or out on a date or a celebrity or beaten by an intimate partner? Why isn't the first thought or words out of someone's mouth 'Is she OK?' not 'What was she wearing, was she drunk, what did she do to provoke such rage from a man???'
I have been on the receiving end of victim blaming as a survivor of date rape. I sat in court and listened to my rapists defense attorney sweet talk a jury into believing that because my attacker fabricated his profile on Match.com and lied directly to our faces about his life as a doctor and astronaut we were bitter. He told the jury that bitterness lead to our coming forward and accusing him of drugging and raping us. As much as you know what happened to you is not a lie listening to someone else deflect blame makes you feel very, very small. It is for that simple reason I speak out and advocate because I don't ever want another victim to feel like that.
We have come a long way since the introduction of the Violence Against Women Act was introduced in Congress 20 years ago but unfortunately there is still a long way to go. The recent coverage of the victims of Bill Cosby's sexual assaults I have been watching this week have made me proud of the work done by all the advocates who have come before me. The reporting has been fair telling both sides of the story from the victims point of view and any comment from the accused side until an interview with a victim by CNN's Don Lemon. He questioned her actions during the assault and why she didn't react in a certain, specific way. How dare he??!! Would he pose the question to Bill Cosby as to why he was drugging an raping women?
The backlash for his comments have been swift and viral. Let's continue to call out those who victim blame. It's not OK and it has to STOP!
Last Friday brought an end to Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I wanted to look back at what was accomplished in terms of promotion and awareness. The NOMORE organization teamed up with current and former NFL players along with celebrity directors to create a PSA that is being played during Monday and Thursday night football games and during the Sunday games. I personally witnessed the ad being aired in a football stadium during a recent Sunday game. These men stood up to say #NOMORE opening up the dialogue on a subject that has rarely been part of a general topic of discussion.
In the past few months Hotlines have been flooded with phone calls and staffs had to be increased as a result of not only the awareness campaigns but the light shined on this horrible act of interpersonal violence. Largely in part after the video of Ray Rice beating his then fiance now wife in an Atlantic Casino elevator. As I had written in previous blogs this put a face on something that was for the most part kept behind closed doors and not talked about by the victims. Suddenly the media was talking and sharing their outrage and the public was weighing in too. Some very successful women including Meredith Vieira told their personal story of domestic violence and everything she went through emotionally and physically while being victimized. This allowed many victims to come out of the shadows and reach out for help.
Then in late August the NFL made sweeping changes to their Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault punishment policy taking a very vocal stand saying it's not OK. Today Ray Rice and his lawyers will begin the process of appealing his punishment essentially turning back the clock. His argument being that he was punished initially by the NFL with a suspension and then received a 2nd punishment after the policy was changed. If this is his idea of turning a corner and repenting it's not the way to go about it.
From what I've learned about domestic violence abusers and as a victim/survivor of a serial date rapist, even after serving their punishments the abusers go back to their abusive ways. In my opinion no punishment for these offenders is long or harsh enough. What we do have in our favor is our voices. I've learned throughout my healing process that my voice along with the many supporters of family, friends and advocates is very powerful and I will use it for however long and far it will take me to stop violence against women (& men) for good!
Today is a National Day of Action organized by the Carry the Weight campaign. An effort to get the public to "Stand with Survivors and Allies Carrying the Weight to end Sexual and Domestic Violence". You can show your support for survivors by pledging to join them in carrying a mattress or pillow. This national day of action is inspired by the activism of Emma Sulkowicz at Columbia University who was sexually assaulted on the first day of her Sophomore year. As part of her senior thesis that she calls an endurance art piece she will carry her dorm room mattress, that she was raped on, until her rapist is expelled or leaves campus. Columbia University is one of a growing list of Colleges and Universities in which students are filing federal complaints against them in violation of Title IX the gender equality law.
If you are interested in joining students, staff, faculty and everyday citizens across the country to make sexual assault on college campuses unacceptable I have provided the website link below that gives you all the ways you can get involved. I am also joining in by sharing my own picture here, made my pledge on their website and on twitter.
National Day of Action to Help Carry That Weight
Columbia Student Carries Mattress Around Campus
...I have spoken briefly about my love for football and specifically as a long 'suffering" Philadelphia Eagles fan, a team that I have followed since I was 12. My boyfriend, also being from NJ, has been a fan even longer than I have but now with us living in LA we either have to get up early to watch the game at our local bar or pray for a nationally televised game so we can cheer them on in our Eagles gear in the comfort of our home. This past weekend our beloved Eagles traveled to Phoenix to play the Arizona Cardinals and for Steve's birthday present we flew out and joined thousands of other traveling fans to attend the game.
After tailgating in the parking lot and getting ourselves psyched up for a tough battle between two 5-1 teams we went in to take our seats and watch pre-game practice. From the moment I walked into the University of Phoenix stadium I became aware of the campaign by the Arizona Cardinals organization to promote awareness for Domestic Violence Awareness and by the time I left the stadium hours later I was thoroughly impressed and wanted to share with everyone all they had done for the campaign.
They had information cards by the concession registers in English and Spanish providing details for safety planning and emergency phone numbers for those having been abused and seeking assistance. Throughout the pre-game and during the game they promoted the sale of purple bracelets and where to purchase them for a $10 donation to domestic violence organizations in the Phoenix area. Finally they played the NOMORE PSA by current and former NFL players stepping forward, standing up and speaking out saying in their own words NOMORE to Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. It's very powerful to see and hear that echo through the stadium.
There was also a gathering in Phoenix the next day by The Arizona Foundation for Women hosting an event in which former congresswoman Gabby Giffords and her husband Mark Kelly spoke connecting gun violence and women's issues.
We as an informed public who are advocates and activists for the cause of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault often call out those people and organizations that are doing it wrong in order to affect change. I want to also call out those people and organizations who do it right and hopefully serve as a model and an inspiration to others. The football season is at the halfway point and there are plenty of games left in which the remaining NFL teams who haven't already done so gets involved as the Arizona Cardinals did.
...As a supporter and advocate of violence against women I was surprised and sickened yet again by the victim blaming I was seeing on TV after the Baltimore Ravens game last night. The reporters approached women wearing Ray Rice jerseys and asked them why they would continue to support a player who is no longer on the team and suspended by the NFL not because of an injury or minor infraction but because he brutally assaulted and knocked unconscious his then fiancee and now wife. Their comments ranged from 'she hit him first' and 'he had a right to defend himself' to 'he's a good man who has done a lot for the city of Baltimore'. It didn't matter the reason, excuse or comment they had (some actually had the facts of the assault incorrect). What was troubling to me is that women continue to blame the victim.
Victim blaming is one of the biggest obstacles domestic violence and sexual assault organizations and prosecutors have to overcome. Why is it that with any other crime against a person the victim is not blamed? Burglaries, murders, carjackings, home invasions, muggings I could go on and on but you see where I am going with this and it is that when others stand in judgement or comment it's not directed toward the victim or anything they may have done to provoke a crime committed against them. What makes people so uncomfortable about a women being beaten by an intimate partner or raped whether be it by a stranger on the street or out on a date? Why isn't the first thought or words out of someone's mouth 'Is she OK?' not 'What was she wearing, was she drunk, what did she do to provoke such rage from a man???'
I have been on the receiving end of victim blaming as a survivor of date rape. I sat in court and listened to my rapists defense attorney sweet talk a jury into believing that because my attacker fabricated his profile on Match.com and lied directly to our faces about his life as a doctor and astronaut we were bitter. He told the jury that bitterness lead to our coming forward and accusing him of drugging and raping us. As much as you know what happened to you is not a lie listening to someone else deflect blame makes you feel very, very small. It is for that simple reason I speak out and advocate because I don't ever want another victim to feel like that.
We have come a long way since the introduction of the Violence Against Women Act was introduced in Congress 20 years ago but unfortunately there is still a long way to go. For the most part the coverage I have been watching this week has made me proud of the work done by all the advocates who have come before me. The sports commentators, the morning show hosts, the local and national news anchors and reports from the man/women on the street didn't hesitate to show their support for the VAW cause and the disgust for those opinions who for some misguided reason think otherwise.
What gets me every time is the victim blaming from other women. As women we need to stand together and support each other not criticize. Women are the backbone of society and we can do anything and everything we put our mind to but so many want to stand back and point out flaws, failures and generally what other women are doing wrong. It needs to stop! We need to come together because until women stop victim blaming then how are those men that do it motivated to stop too. Let's challenge each other to change the culture and ask those who do victim blame to educate themselves so as not to continue the cycle into the next generation...
...Today as we celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act I wanted to write about a story pertaining to domestic violence that's been in the news this Summer. That is the brutal beating by an NFL player on his then fiancée now wife earlier this year in an Atlantic City casino elevator. We had up until September 9th only seen the disturbing footage of her being dragged out of the elevator unconscious by her abuser Baltimore Ravens Ray Rice. The NFL had suspended him for two games and a deal was made with the Atlantic County prosecutor's office for him to attend anger management classes. There was outrage coming from everywhere and not just women's and domestic violence organizations but from the sports media and athletes current and former. This resulted in an overhaul of the domestic violence and sexual assault policy by the NFL and an apology by the commissioner Roger Goodell which was praised by all as being a step in the right direction. When I first heard the news that the entire video had been obtained and released by TMZ that morning which included the abuse before entering and inside the elevator. It was shocking and upsetting to say the least and everyone was talking about it. I receive many breaking news alerts for all types of media and the first one I got was from SportsCenter reporting as a result of the new video Ray Rice was released by the Baltimore Ravens and then a short time later indefinitely suspended by the NFL. My boyfriend and I turned our TV to ESPN and watched the reaction and coverage the rest of the afternoon. I couldn't get the moment of abuse out of my head and was close to tears many times.
What I want to talk about today is not the failures made up to this point by the NFL, the Commissioner, the Atlantic County prosecutors office or anyone else involved for that matter but my first thoughts after viewing the video. This now put a face on it for all those who have thankfully never been a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault. I know there a so many compassionate people out there who maybe not publicly but privately support victims and there are also those that excuse, criticize and blame. If you are not somehow personally involved it's abstract. As a victim of sexual assault I know first hand what it's like and when I hear a report or meet another victim I don't have questions or comments or judgements. I can only explain it as being unconditional. I believe them and stand by them. Now the video is out and everyone can see what it looks like. Not just the bruises that surface later.
If everyone could put the face of a loved one in the place of the victim Janay Palmer in that elevator then wouldn't we all think and react differently? There was a monumental amount of support yesterday for the awareness of domestic violence but there were still those questions and blaming the victim comments. She responded the next day with a statement and what I ask is that everyone not read into or judge her comments. She is a victim and has so many things going on emotionally and mentally that you won't ever understand. Read her comments if you wish but set them aside without another thought. Please! Domestic violence and sexual assault victims respond with common behaviors as a result of their experience that is hard for the average person on the street to relate. I am living proof.
I'm also going to give my readers a reality check. You most likely have sat in a room with, walked past on the street, stood by in the coffee shop a domestic violence or sexual assault victim today. We are everywhere and we are really good at hiding the deep dark secret. When I began telling more of my family and friends several had personal stories of their own to share regarding family members who have been assaulted. This makes me so sad that there are so many out there. You just don't know unless they choose to tell you.
After the news broke I sent out a few tweets. One of which was to TMZ and Harvey Levin thanking them for releasing the video. Although graphic I personally felt it was necessary because even though we had seen the last part of it where she is being dragged out of the elevator I believe the reality of what happened inside of the elevator was important for all to see. I received a tweet in response from someone who was trolling any supporters of the video release and this is what it said "Suck it hoe". Really?! I actually broke out into uncontrollable laughter because it was so ridiculous. If you're going to criticize or insult me then come up with something a lot better than that. I would have much more appreciated an eloquently worded insult but I guess beggars can't be choosers. My point is no matter what there are people out there who will only see this subject the way they want. Not for the reality in front of them.
I do in my heart believe that the more we talk about it the less taboo it is and the more informed the public will become. In an interview by Tamron Hall with Joe Biden on The Today Show Mr. Biden talked about how little interest and a lot of push back he got when introducing the Violence Against Women Act bill 20 years ago. Because he didn't give up there have been so many important changes as a result. Let's continue to support the victims any way we can. Since starting my speak out mission over 5 years ago I have met so many good people who are doing their best to support. I refuse to be discouraged by the ignorant and uninformed.
