Still More Work to Do

In my Day 1 SAAM blog I wrote about how inspired and excited I was for the interest shown by all the new people I was meeting through my recent job adventure. Today, Day 2, I want to talk about those who choose to not just be unreceptive of victims and survivors stories but engage in nasty name calling to supporters who attempt to affect a change in rape culture. The people aren't just on the opposite side but engage in everything that is bad about a narrow-minded thinker including victim blaming, verbal abuse, harassment, etc. 

It all started because I backed a woman who launched a campaign to postpone or cancel Bill Cosby comedy shows and support all the women (his victims) who bravely came forward to speak up and tell their horrific experiences with the comedian/actor. I then promoted the cause through my Twitter and Facebook accounts. About a week later I was included in a twitter tirade launched by a very small minded man who uses words for evil as well as try and hurt people instead of using them for good or productive results. The following is a summary of his multiple tweets: Calling into question her intelligence, accusing her of being paid off and finally the ever popular whore label. This is by no means the first time I have experience such nasty, hateful remarks nor is it the first time I blogged about it but coming off of an encouraging few weeks it was a reality check for me which in hindsight was not at all a bad thing by any means. 

Reading someone spew hate in tweet after tweet has a dual effect on me. First, it reminds me there are so many in this world who don't see things the way I do and probably never will. No matter how much information you provide them their opinion is not going to change nor do they want it to. Second, it only motivates me to work harder and spread my message further. I think the negative, closed minded part of the population is small and will slowly become isolated from the rest of us especially if they use their words to bully instead of express their opinions in a more clear and intelligent format. They can call me or my colleagues and supporters nasty names but as I have been known to say before "consider the source". The big picture is what they say doesn't really matter. Most of us regardless of what side of the topic you are on do not want to engage in that type of behavior and will step back from anyone who finds it acceptable. 

I choose to spread my message of date rape and sexual assault awareness to the open-minded and those who are simply unaware of the topic and looking to learn more. Even if they listen to what I have to say in speeches, tv interviews or read my blogs and tweets and never do anything about that's OK with me because not everyone is interested in being an activist. What they are interested in is being informed which the most I can wish for the general population. The reality is one day just maybe someone they know will come to them and share their own personal story of sexual assault and they now know just enough on how to react appropriately and compassionately.

The social media trolls will always be there but by no means do we have to acknowledge or engage them. I continue to tune out the negative and welcome the interested.

Hindsight is 20/20

Why is it that rape victims are offered unsolicited, useless advice after an attack? As if the suggestions offered to them wouldn't have been carried out while they were being assaulted if that was even a remote possibility. Do they think they are helping? Better yet those who take it upon themselves to judge a rape victims circumstances as to the amount of time it took to report her attack or her actions following the assault. 

Rape victims experience complex physical and emotional feelings during and after an assault. If they were drugged and rendered completely unconscious for the entire sexual assault as I was but knew sex had occurred and I didn't consent it's very hard to verbalize the attack to anyone. The victims I know floated in and out of consciousness while Jeffrey Marsalis raped them, some describing it as having been in a dream like and confused state. 

Reporting is also a complicated decision. Rape victims are ashamed, confused and question what they did to provoke being attacked. All you want to do is forget about it not relive what happened to strangers (i.e. police, doctors, advocates). Because I was drugged I wasn't even sure of all the details because my memory was fragmented only remembering prior to being drugged or after I woke up 8 hours later. How do you explain to someone what happened when you can't explain it to yourself? Why subject yourself to questions that you don't have the answers to?

We are seeing a lot of delayed reporting in the news lately with the Bill Cosby accusers. Their accounts of having been drugged and raped (some failed attempted sexual assaults by him) are decades old therefore being scrutinized by the public only reinforcing what the women thought immediately following their attacks. "He's a powerful celebrity, who is going to believe me?" Fans of the actor/comedian and skeptics immediately turn to the claim that a victim is in it for the money. Trust me when I say it's never for the money or the attention. If it were so easy to come forward and solicit monetary compensation or seek media attention then why wait 10, 20, 30 and almost 40 years? The victims are accused of reporting now for the same reasons the victims didn't come forward to report their sexual assaults originally. The skeptics can't have it both ways.

The public and media have the benefit of assessing accusers and their stories after the fact but the victim doesn't have that luxury because she is living in it. Let's give victims the benefit of the doubt because it's easy to go back but impossible to look forward.

Why Not The First One?

I recently met a guy who had been very honest with me about his initial reaction to the first Bill Cosby accuser and where his opinion now stands today. We were introduced through a friend and he asked what brought me out to LA and what I did for a living. After hearing my story of being drugged and raped by a man that also sexually assaulted multiple other women in the same way his eyes widened and he reacted by saying how sorry he was for what happened and then commented about the similarity of multiple date rape victims in my case and the Bill Cosby accusers. He said that so many women have come forward and now there is no doubt in his mind about what the actor/comedian had done to them. He also said when the first woman spoke up and told her story he was a bit skeptical but as the accusations and stories increased he was convinced of their legitimacy. We continued with the discussion for a few more minutes and then moved on to another subject. 

There aren't a lot of people who admit they are wrong when it about a polarizing subject not to mention how few have the open-mindedness to actually switch there opinion with such a hot button issue as Rape. As a former victim now survivor I can't say enough how much I appreciated his willingness to see the issue from all sides and come to a final decision. It is my hopes for a future where everyone can go through the same thorough thought process. Just because we make an initial decision doesn't mean that we can't change our minds at some point.

The conversation got me thinking though about why when hearing a horrific account from only one sexual assault victim isn't enough to be convinced of their accusation. I'm not just talking about celebrities but with any man including adults, college students and teenagers. Frequently more than one victim comes forward before any action (criminal or otherwise) is taken. Excuses are even made on behalf of the accused. He's a great actor. He comes from a good family. He's so young. Just to name a few. Is it that the crime of rape is so heinous people don't want to believe anyone can even be capable of it especially from someone we may we know? Do they think there is an agenda behind the accusation? Why does the accused get the benefit of the doubt first before the victim? Do we really think we know a person so well? I don't have answers to any of these questions. What I am certain of is that we don't really know anyone completely. I am not saying this as a sign of my mistrust of people or that I believe everyone is dishonest and puts on a facade. That couldn't be further from the truth. I actually give everyone the benefit of the doubt and have to proven otherwise. I have seen such good in strangers through the past 10 years that I know it's out there. My point is human beings are complicated and they only let others see of themselves what they want them to see. 

I will always believe the victim and their claims of sexual assault which have to be dis-proven otherwise. So the next time a sexual assault victim comes forward believe her (or him) first. Not vice-versa.

UPDATE: Given the release of the Bill Cosby deposition documents and the words coming directly from his mouth I only hope that those Cosby's fans who were on the fence about his victims claims are now supportive of them.

Questioning Legitimacy

With the continuing reports of sexual assault accusations against Bill Cosby made by those victims brave enough to coming forward and the repeated denials and questioning of their legitimacy made by his attorney I wanted to provide my insight as a victim/survivor of a serial date rapist with similar circumstances.

These women/accusers have come under fire by some (public, media, etc) for the delay not only in their reporting of being drugged and sexually assaulted but as the number of victims grows whether or not some are coming forward to capitalize monetarily. I can't tell you how angry this makes me every time I see another statement reported online or on TV or a comment posted on twitter. 

Reporting a sexual assault under what you might call normal circumstances is already extremely difficult. 60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. Let's then add in the element of not only having been drugged but your rapist is a very popular, very powerful celebrity. I can speak to what it's like when you wake up in a man's bed naked, sick and confused. Your mind is foggy, you don't remember anything but you know sex had occurred, something that even if you had the opportunity to consent you weren't planning on doing so in the first place. I was extremely ashamed and wanted to get out of his bed and his apartment as soon as possible but had to fight against the extreme pain I was feeling all over my body from the drugs he mixed up and slipped into my drink. I couldn't make sense of anything that had happened and because of that I wanted to forget about it ever happened. I did not tell anyone.

Once I was contacted by the authorities in Philadelphia and made aware of the violent sexual act against me made by Jeffrey Marsalis and so many other women did I gain the courage to speak up and speak out. I knew what initially didn't make sense to me finally did now. As the investigation into my attacker grew larger and was reported in the news many more victims came forward to tell almost identical stories of their sexual assaults. 

This is what's happening with the victims in the Bill Cosby case. The women are coming forward to say he drugged and raped them too. They can't stand back silent any longer. He had a pattern. They don't want to be afraid of his fame and just as the victims in my case felt they want to legitimize the others that came forward ahead of them.

Now I can't speak to the feeling of intimidation that comes along with having been raped by a man with the public stature of Bill Cosby but I can speak to how scary it is to have your private life now so public. To have the picture of your rapist on the news reporting your story and being open up to all sorts of criticism especially when you have never processed what happened to you properly. I listen to these women being interviewed and their words and feelings mirror so many of mine. I have repeated the same words and thoughts over and over to myself. When I hear any sexual assault victim speak I know immediately whether they are truthful. So it infuriates me to hear anyone question a rape victims motives when I know right away they are not lying.

Thankfully you don't have to be a victim/survivor of sexual assault to show trust and compassion towards any sexual assault victims. You just have to be a good human being. That's easy!

RAINN Reports Spike in Hotline Use

More Victim Blaming

Victim blaming is one of the biggest obstacles sexual assault and domestic violence organizations and prosecutors have to overcome. Why is it that with any other crime against a person the victim is not blamed? Burglaries, murders, carjackings, home invasions, muggings I could go on and on but you see where I am going with this and it is that when others stand in judgement or comment it's not directed toward the victim or anything they may have done to provoke a crime committed against them. What makes people so uncomfortable about a women being raped whether be it by a stranger on the street or out on a date or a celebrity or beaten by an intimate partner? Why isn't the first thought or words out of someone's mouth 'Is she OK?' not 'What was she wearing, was she drunk, what did she do to provoke such rage from a man???' 

I have been on the receiving end of victim blaming as a survivor of date rape. I sat in court and listened to my rapists defense attorney sweet talk a jury into believing that because my attacker fabricated his profile on Match.com and lied directly to our faces about his life as a doctor and astronaut we were bitter. He told the jury that bitterness lead to our coming forward and accusing him of drugging and raping us. As much as you know what happened to you is not a lie listening to someone else deflect blame makes you feel very, very small. It is for that simple reason I speak out and advocate because I don't ever want another victim to feel like that.

We have come a long way since the introduction of the Violence Against Women Act was introduced in Congress 20 years ago but unfortunately there is still a long way to go. The recent coverage of the victims of Bill Cosby's sexual assaults I have been watching this week have made me proud of the work done by all the advocates who have come before me. The reporting has been fair telling both sides of the story from the victims point of view and any comment from the accused side until an interview with a victim by CNN's Don Lemon. He questioned her actions during the assault and why she didn't react in a certain, specific way. How dare he??!! Would he pose the question to Bill Cosby as to why he was drugging an raping women?

The backlash for his comments have been swift and viral. Let's continue to call out those who victim blame. It's not OK and it has to STOP!

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

...The first week of January seems to have reignited the news stories about comedian Bill Cosby and the allegations by multiple women whom he drugged and sexually assaulted. Not that it was out of the news completely but several things happened most recently. He began a comedy tour through 3 Canadian cities where protestors not only showed up outside the venues but spoke up during the show. His former "Cosby Show" co-star Phylicia Rashad made some controversial statements regarding the victims (stating "this isn't about the women but about a legacy"). Finally three more victims came forward. In the past month while this story continues to be reported I hear a frequent yet frustrating comment made by some in the public. Many offer opinions either way whether they believe the victims or not but say in this country we are "Innocent Until Proven Guilty". Every time I hear this my blood begins to boil and here's why. 

I would first like to say that I have great respect for the law and our legal process. I believe in our legal system and know that it does its best to be fair and just. It's by no means perfect but  in my opinion one of the best in the world. It is also not lost on me as a rape victim who has gotten justice and seen her attacker found guilty on multiple sexual assaults and rape that I am very lucky. I repeat this to myself frequently!

That being said I feel passionately about the subject yet the majority of victims of sexual assault who will never see any kind of justice whatsoever and I feel a responsibility to speak out and fight for them. The likelihood that a rape victim will come forward to report, the prosecutor finding enough evidence to move forward with the case, then for it go to trial and have a jury find the rapist guilty are shockingly low. So low in fact that 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail. Does that mean that the public should only believe 3% of rape victims? That is utterly absurd. The crime and prosecution of sexual assault is monumentally different than other crimes such as a burglary, murder, etc that it's unlikely the victim even gets to prove their attacker guilty. This means that all those idealists out there get to stand up and say "Innocent Until Proven Guilty" and walk away with their conscience clean. Wouldn't it be nice if a rape victim could do the same by walking away but their lives are profoundly changed forever. I know that because mine certainly was and I'm one of the 3%. Imagine a victim in the 97% who doesn't get justice. Not to mention a statute of limitations on sexual assault and if that has expired the victim has no legal recourse whatsoever. This is the case with ALL the Bill Cosby victims. The law is essentially saying that because of a lapse in time the crime didn't happen.

As far as I'm concerned the belief of "Innocent Until Proven Guilty" is lame and a cop out under these particular set of circumstances and does a great disservice to victims of rape and sexual assault. I also think it's extremely hurtful to victims that they could be so easily dismissed by a simple statement. If the public was only informed enough to know how hard it is to get a rapist to trial they wouldn't be so quick to give the benefit of the doubt to the accused and not the accuser. I think it's time that more people believe the victim and question what the accused has done instead of the other way around. I know I'm tired of it and for as long as I can I will work to inform the uninformed!

Celebrities and Sexual Assault

...Within the past few weeks there have been stories of well-known Hollywood male celebrities who have been successful for decades in their careers but have been accused of sexual assault. One of these celebs (Bill Cosby) was accused in the early 2000's by multiple women and another (Stephen Collins) most recently accused of child sexual abuse. Both have the lovable public persona but in private they are violent sexual abusers. In the case of Bill Cosby a monetary settlement was made to many of the victims and the case of Stephen Collins is still being investigated. The difference with these two men is one man's crimes have all been forgotten except for an outspoken comedian who won't let the public forget and the other has suffered the consequences professionally and personally. Sadly the adult women drugged and assaulted by Bill Cosby did not receive traditional justice in the courtroom and get to watch him continue with his career but with Stephen Collins the criminal cases for the young victims are getting a thorough investigation. Why is that?

Is it that the adult women are scrutinized and victim blamed and it happened 10 years ago while organizations were still fighting to bring awareness to their type of assault and now we have come so far that the young victims of Stephen Collins have the benefit of time and experience by all parties involved in the investigation? I hope it's the latter and not for some other reason. I then read an article (see link below) with a long list of celebrity men accused and some convicted and sentenced of sexual assault. Each of their crimes are as different as the punishments, public's reaction and how bad their careers suffered or how good their careers were afterward.

Celebrity Men Accused of Sexual Assault

The message I wanted to get across is that just because they are celebrities and we invite them into our homes on TV or attend the movies they star in doesn't make them any different than you and I and your neighbor next door. It doesn't make them our friend and because they are rich and famous it doesn't mean we know them. They should be held to the same standards as everyone else and they shouldn't be excused from their actions either just because they played some character that we really liked on TV.

UPDATE:
Most recently a request by Bill Cosby's twitter account posted a link to a meme-generator and it backfired. The people spoke by creating meme's with sexual assault and rape accusations. Bill Cosby may not have been punished by a traditional court but he certainly was in the court of public opinion. What followed was an Op-Ed piece by one of Cosby rape victims in which I have provided a link below.

Bill Cosby Rape Victim Barbara Bowman Op-Ed

Following the release of the tape where Stephen Collins admits to child molestation with a young female he was fired from the movie "Ted 2" and he then resigned from the SAG-AFTRA board. He is now preparing for a very high profile divorce from his wife of almost 30 years.