Why Not The First One?

I recently met a guy who had been very honest with me about his initial reaction to the first Bill Cosby accuser and where his opinion now stands today. We were introduced through a friend and he asked what brought me out to LA and what I did for a living. After hearing my story of being drugged and raped by a man that also sexually assaulted multiple other women in the same way his eyes widened and he reacted by saying how sorry he was for what happened and then commented about the similarity of multiple date rape victims in my case and the Bill Cosby accusers. He said that so many women have come forward and now there is no doubt in his mind about what the actor/comedian had done to them. He also said when the first woman spoke up and told her story he was a bit skeptical but as the accusations and stories increased he was convinced of their legitimacy. We continued with the discussion for a few more minutes and then moved on to another subject. 

There aren't a lot of people who admit they are wrong when it about a polarizing subject not to mention how few have the open-mindedness to actually switch there opinion with such a hot button issue as Rape. As a former victim now survivor I can't say enough how much I appreciated his willingness to see the issue from all sides and come to a final decision. It is my hopes for a future where everyone can go through the same thorough thought process. Just because we make an initial decision doesn't mean that we can't change our minds at some point.

The conversation got me thinking though about why when hearing a horrific account from only one sexual assault victim isn't enough to be convinced of their accusation. I'm not just talking about celebrities but with any man including adults, college students and teenagers. Frequently more than one victim comes forward before any action (criminal or otherwise) is taken. Excuses are even made on behalf of the accused. He's a great actor. He comes from a good family. He's so young. Just to name a few. Is it that the crime of rape is so heinous people don't want to believe anyone can even be capable of it especially from someone we may we know? Do they think there is an agenda behind the accusation? Why does the accused get the benefit of the doubt first before the victim? Do we really think we know a person so well? I don't have answers to any of these questions. What I am certain of is that we don't really know anyone completely. I am not saying this as a sign of my mistrust of people or that I believe everyone is dishonest and puts on a facade. That couldn't be further from the truth. I actually give everyone the benefit of the doubt and have to proven otherwise. I have seen such good in strangers through the past 10 years that I know it's out there. My point is human beings are complicated and they only let others see of themselves what they want them to see. 

I will always believe the victim and their claims of sexual assault which have to be dis-proven otherwise. So the next time a sexual assault victim comes forward believe her (or him) first. Not vice-versa.

UPDATE: Given the release of the Bill Cosby deposition documents and the words coming directly from his mouth I only hope that those Cosby's fans who were on the fence about his victims claims are now supportive of them.

Serial Rapists: More Common Than You Think

I am a victim of a serial date rapist and contrary to what the general public believes this is more common than stranger rape. The scary unknown man coming out of the shadows just isn't the case. Most sexual assault victims know their attacker, they are the scary man that we, for the most part trust, or we wouldn't be in their company in the first place. A staggering two-thirds of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.

A recent speech by a Michigan district attorney during an End The Backlog press conference specifically brought up the fact that rapists rape again. They repeat this violent act over and over again which makes their prolonged punishment (once caught and convicted) so vital. Rapists are not rehabilitated in prison because when released there is a high probability commit another crime including rape again. Unfortunately 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail so the available statistics are only on convicted sex offenders.

It's exactly the reason why when my attacker (Jeffrey Marsalis) was caught law enforcement, prosecutors and many of his victims worked so hard to make sure he was put in prison long enough where he wouldn't be released to prey on more victims. Jeffrey Marsalis believes he didn't do anything wrong so what would stop him from raping again. As a result of my experience and what I've learned I was driven to spread the message to other potential Marsalis victims and tell them they weren't the only one and encourage them to either speak up, come forward, get help or all of the above. They are not alone. I also wanted to tell my story and use it as a learning tool for dating women. My actions before and during the 'date' and how I reacted after all have a message attached and that is: Trust your Instincts. If I had only done that then the outcome would have been much different but I don't dwell on how I could have changed things in the past I just want to effect change in the future. If something good comes from something bad that's all that matters to me.

The sooner we catch and convict each rapist the less potential victims there will be and isn't that really what we are all working towards.

If you would like to learn more follow the links below.

On College Campuses

The Offenders

DVAM: A Look Back

Last Friday brought an end to Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I wanted to look back at what was accomplished in terms of promotion and awareness. The NOMORE organization teamed up with current and former NFL players along with celebrity directors to create a PSA that is being played during Monday and Thursday night football games and during the Sunday games. I personally witnessed the ad being aired in a football stadium during a recent Sunday game. These men stood up to say #NOMORE opening up the dialogue on a subject that has rarely been part of a general topic of discussion. 

In the past few months Hotlines have been flooded with phone calls and staffs had to be increased as a result of not only the awareness campaigns but the light shined on this horrible act of interpersonal violence. Largely in part after the video of Ray Rice beating his then fiance now wife in an Atlantic Casino elevator. As I had written in previous blogs this put a face on something that was for the most part kept behind closed doors and not talked about by the victims. Suddenly the media was talking and sharing their outrage and the public was weighing in too. Some very successful women including Meredith Vieira told their personal story of domestic violence and everything she went through emotionally and physically while being victimized. This allowed many victims to come out of the shadows and reach out for help. 

Then in late August the NFL made sweeping changes to their Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault punishment policy taking a very vocal stand saying it's not OK. Today Ray Rice and his lawyers will begin the process of appealing his punishment essentially turning back the clock. His argument being that he was punished initially by the NFL with a suspension and then received a 2nd punishment after the policy was changed. If this is his idea of turning a corner and repenting it's not the way to go about it.

From what I've learned about domestic violence abusers and as a victim/survivor of a serial date rapist, even after serving their punishments the abusers go back to their abusive ways. In my opinion no punishment for these offenders is long or harsh enough. What we do have in our favor is our voices. I've learned throughout my healing process that my voice along with the many supporters of family, friends and advocates is very powerful and I will use it for however long and far it will take me to stop violence against women (& men) for good!

It's Getting Real

...I walked into the lobby of a beautiful, historic building in center city Philadelphia where the District Attorney and her ADA's offices were. It is for lack of a better word an awesome experience and the magnitude of what I was about to do wasn't lost on me. Giving my statement to the detective and pressing charges is one thing but taking the next step to meet with the ADA and move forward with the case towards trial is multiplied by a thousand. This, among a nearly infinite number of reasons, is why sexual assault and rape victims after they have given their statement to the police do not move forward to trial. Telling a detective about the assault is difficult enough but then reviewing your case in detail with the man or woman who is going to stand up in court, defend your story as a victim and accuse your attacker of a crime changes things. Not to mention the fact that you will have to get on the stand, repeat a traumatic, personal incident then look directly at the man that attacked you and accuse him in front of a courtroom full of people and the judge is beyond scary and stressful. These thoughts loomed over me until the preliminary hearing was finally over.

The meeting with Joe Khan and his associate involved a range of emotions. I was embarrassed repeating the details again. I simply can't describe what it feels like to say it aloud the first few times. They were sensitive as they asked questions and explained that the more I told them the better. There were a shocking number of similarities in each of the victims stories and that was to be a large part of the prosecution's case as a significant number of the cases were he said/she said. This was also the time they would give me the information as to how the case was going to proceed and what the court process would involve for me. There would be a preliminary hearing scheduled (later I would find out the date to be October 31st Halloween) and at that time the prosecutor would present his case to include the victims, one of them being me. I would be called to the stand, sworn in then answer questions directed to me first by the prosecution and at some point I would be asked to identify my attacker. Then the defense would be able to ask me questions. I was given advice as to how I could handle the pressures and uneasiness I might feel. Among other things they told me plenty of associates from the DA's office would be in the courtroom gallery to show support and assist in my not feeling along up there. This to me was somewhat comforting because I was not planning on bringing anyone with me for support. It would be easier that way and I still had to figure out a way to tell the closest, most important people in my life (mom, brother, best friend) about the date rape and my choice to press charges and testify in court. That would be my next step but I certainly took my time before taking it.

We completed our conversation, all questions on both sides were asked an answered and Joe told me he would be checking in with me periodically with information. He said although I would receive official notices from the court in the mail I would get the news from him first. I walked out the door and realized Yes! this is happening and then practiced avoidance for more than half a year until my time was up and I had to tell my loved ones...

The Predator

...I walked out of the SVU building with my mind racing. How could I have looked into the face of a monster and not even known it?! Well you know how? The most practiced frauds use the same story and details over and over again and in the case of Jeffrey Marsalis he wasn't living a lie apart from another life like most other criminals/abusers/assaulter's this was his "life". His name was the only real thing about him, the credentials in his wallet, the Match.com profile and his apartment were all set up with the one and only fraudulent story that he was telling his victims but it was a part he was playing as others would testify to in court i.e. a neighbor, landlord, etc. The reason why I believed what he was telling me is because he believed what he was telling me. It took me several years and countless counseling sessions to come to terms with this. I had very good instincts, was a 37 year old independent woman, with a college education, owned my own home, traveled the US and internationally by myself and been single (no long-term relationships) for most of my adult life. Although I admitted in my statement to the detective, there were tiny red flags that went up on two occasions, one being the unusual number of pictures on his dating profile (pre social media so yes it was odd)  and the other being some timelines that weren't fitting with his supposed medical education, hospital residency and astronaut training but I told myself "well it's a first date and you don't want to be conducting a lie detector test". I could ask more questions at another time. We were having a good time, the conversation was easy, he was charming, good looking and a veteran predator!!! It's why I say in every speech I give and in every interview why it's so important to trust your instincts. You know what's right for you and what's going on around you. If something doesn't feel right then it's probably not.

As the trial process moved forward I was going to meet many other women just like me. He had a type. He was arrogant and a narcissist and only "dated"  educated, independent, good looking women. I know this because I sat in court with them and in interviews with them. I also know that from speaking with them how similar his "courting" process was, the things he said to us and even the bars he took us to. It was like they knew my story somehow but they didn't because it was their story too. These women are the only ones in the world that know how I feel, the what if's, the why's. We are part of an elite club that you do not want to be a member of ever. Most have moved on to new towns, new careers, marriages. We would not let him win. I'm am proud to say that I have become very close friends with one of them. Although we live far apart we are in constant contact and almost never talk about him. All that enlightenment was not to come for another few years. I got in my car and on the drive to work was consumed with my thoughts which were racing. I would think about this 24/7 for the next several years.

The Ugly Details

...As would with many days to come, I walked off the elevator and onto the floor where the Philadelphia Special Victims Unit office was and had no idea what to expect. I met with Detective O'Malley who was a kind, compassionate man yet tenacious when it came to his role in the investigation of Jeffery Marsalis. He showed me into the interview room and we started to talk. I was to give my statement and he would explain the details of the extensive case already prepared. He walked me through every detail of my "date" with Marsalis. In the two hours I spent with Detective O'Malley I learned a lot of about the man I had only 1 date with.

I was told that Dr. Jeff (his Match.com profile name) wasn't really a doctor nor was he a part of the NASA training program for astronauts. You see his profile had many pictures of him in scrubs and his white coat and formal pictures taken by NASA in an astronaut uniform. Not only that but during our date he opened his wallet to show me medical credentials from a prestigious Philadelphia hospital and those provided by NASA too. All the photos and credentials were fake. I learned that he never even came close to completing his college education therefore not a doctor or an astronaut. He at one point in his life had been an EMT and also taken some nursing school classes. This training would allow him to get by just enough while fabricating stories about his identity.

I was told there was an upcoming trial in January 2006 involving Marsalis in which 3 women accused him of raping and drugging them in order to commit the sexual assaults. While out on bail for that trial he fled Philadelphia for the state of Idaho to a resort town he was familiar with because he vacationed there with his family as a child. He then befriended a woman, went out to a bar for some drinks and subsequently drugged and raped her. As it turned out she was a lesbian a detail she had disclosed to him while they were together. She woke up the next morning in the exact same manner of undress and sickness as I had but immediately knew something wasn't right because she never would have consented to sex with a man. This brave woman called her sister who took her to the hospital for an examination and the police were called. The police ran his name, saw his prior arrest in Philadelphia and got a search warrant for his apartment. They discovered a computer and substance he was mixing up himself and using as his date-rape drug. This is where the EMT training and nursing school courses involving medications and drugs came in handy for him. 

As far as the police were concerned the computer was full of evidence that would be used in the investigation that I was now a part of. If you watch TV series and movies involving criminal investigations they often talk about criminals keeping trophies from their crimes. Marsalis' computer had dozens of Match.com profiles of his victims that he saved and mine was one of them. The call to me less than a week earlier was the result of that computer search. They already had one trial pending and another victim accusing him of being drugged and raped so the prosecutor began contacting all the women whose profiles they found in order to find out if they knew Marsalis and what had happened to them if anything.

My head was spinning!! I was sitting there telling the detective an extremely personal and embarrassing story and to add to that I find out there were so many more women like me who had been lied to and sexually assaulted by the same man. I got angry!! The detective was wrapping up our conversation and completing my statement when he asked one final question. He asked me if I wanted to press charges against Jeffrey Marsalis and my response without hesitation was "HELL YES!". It's funny now because the detective wrote my words down verbatim. It was at that moment I knew I was going to do whatever I had to and forever how long it took to put my rapist behind bars for as long as possible. If it was up to me (and it was) I would never let him do this to another woman ever again. I just didn't know the impact those words would have on my future and life going forward.

Detective O'Malley was explaining some final information about what I could expect next as part of the police and court process and mentioned to me that because of the number of victims in this case and it's salacious details there may be some involvement by the local press. I really wish I would have taken those words more seriously because it would play an important part of what was to come next for me...