Waiting is the Hardest Part

...We had been sitting there for about an hour and I could see activity with the prosecution team as they would go in an out of the courtroom. The hearing was scheduled to begin at 9:00am but it was way beyond that time. The prosecutor, Joe Khan, came up to give me the first of many updates I would be receiving that day. He said the defense team had been filing some motions and the judge was hearing them and Joe was arguing them. The end result was the hearing would now begin at Noon. As I stated in my last post I would be one of the last women to testify so I was in for a long day. Joe said they would go back to their offices and return before then and asked if I needed anything. Ever the planner I had brought a book and snacks to eat and drink so I decided to stay there and read. I was told in the days leading up to the hearing they didn't know how long we would be there so I made sure I had something to occupy my brain and stomach. I needed to keep as clear a head as possible and hunger would not be a good thing. Most everyone else left so I sat enjoying the quiet especially after what I had unexpectedly experienced earlier walking off the elevator onto the floor where the courtroom was.

At about 11:00 or 11:30 everyone started trickling back into the hallway and the busyness began again. Most of the prosecution team, all the detectives and media entered the courtroom while the victims and a few of Joe Khan's associates stayed out in the hall. There was a small room outside of each of the courtroom doors which were on both sides. It had a table and 4 chairs and was used by the attorneys to have private conversations with their clients prior to entering court. This was used throughout the day as a place where the victim and their family/friends were brought just prior to them testifying. One by one each victim would be called into the courtroom.

A few vivid memories of that day really stick out in my mind. #1 being how long it seemed that each victim stayed in there to testify. It seemed as if the other victims waiting, including myself, looked at their watch each time one of us went in and then would look at each other as time seemed to tick by as if it was taking too long. Almost as if we were trying to prepare ourselves but didn't know what was becoming obvious to us, that testifying wasn't going to go as quickly as we had hoped. Not only that but, vivid memory #2 was how dramatic and emotional the exit was of each victim leaving the courtroom. The doors seemed to be pushed open with as much force as humanly possible so as to get out of there as quickly as possible. They were each crying uncontrollably and being surrounded by their loved ones. Joe's associates would take them aside and do the best to console them. Which I can tell you from experience was kind words of support and how good we performed on the stand. I am not going to lie this was really getting scary. Not only that but time was ticking away and the clock was approaching 6:00pm which is unheard of for a court session. I would soon be given some devastating news...

Time to go to Court

...I woke up the morning of October 31st the day of the preliminary hearing thinking I was as ready as I'll ever be. So I made some tea and a bowl of cereal and turned on the local news. BIG MISTAKE! Why? Because Jeffrey Marsalis' mug shot went up on the screen and the anchor began to report the story of the accused Match.com rapist and the 11 women prepared to testify later that day. What little was holding me together came completely unglued at that moment. No one is ever prepared to see a report on the news about their life. Up until that point I was focused on all that I had to deal with since Christmas week the previous year. As I sat staring at the TV screen the tears came rushing out. I was flooded with emotion and the realization that what I was doing was much bigger than I was allowing myself to think up until that point. I had a good cry and then got myself together, got dressed, got in my car and drove to the courthouse. I simply didn't have time to sit around the house letting out my emotions.

The courthouse itself was overwhelming. Philadelphia is a large city with a criminal courts building multiple stories high. I walked into the main entrance, had to relinquish my cell phone where it was actually checked into a box like a coat at a restaurant and was handed a ticket. Once I got through the airport like security lines I made my way towards the elevator and stepped off the floor of my assigned courtroom and was in for my second shock of the morning. The scene outside the courtroom was like right out of a movie. I couldn't believe how many people were there. I saw the prosecutor, Joe Khan and his team of associates even his boss, the chief of the unit was checking in throughout the day. Detective O'Malley was there with many of the other detectives from the Special Victims Unit and a local FBI agent too working as part of the federal investigation. The other victims were there but we were separated since an important part of the prosecutions case was that although our stories of encounters with Marsalis were eerily similar we had never met or spoken to each other and shared our personal assaults in any way.

Even though I was sitting alone I was never left alone for long. The police and prosecutors continued to check in on me to see how I was doing, if I needed anything and to keep me informed as to where there were as to who was and who will be testifying next. What I did know was that some other victims had traveled a distance to come and testify and others had certain family/personal commitments and because I lived nearby I would be one of the last women to testify.

Among the large group in the hallway that day were members of the local print and television media. While I was sitting there a familiar TV reporter from a channel I watched daily came to sit down next to me. He was polite, introduced himself and extended his hand to shake mine. I responded by shaking it back and saying hello. We exchanged brief pleasantries and he asked if I was an attorney. I simply said no and offered nothing else. It was like he read my mind and knew I was one of the victims. He responded ok, that it was nice to meet me got up and walked away. His kindness and compassion I will remember forever. He is still a reporter at NBC10 in Philadelphia, his name is Harry Hairston and he deserves to be recognized for that. Throughout the prelim, trial, sentencing and following the press has always reported the story but been in my mind leaned towards the victims side. That in of itself was comforting to a sexual assault victim.

There was one other person I met that day who would turn out to be a "life saver". Kathy from WOAR (Women Organized Against Rape) sat down next to me and introduced herself and explained the services they offered. WOAR is one of the original and oldest rape crisis centers in the country and set the benchmark for all others. Kathy was a court advocate and her job is to make sure rape victims know that WOAR is available to them for counseling services, hotline, essentially a safe place for them to go. She took my name and provided me with her business card. I took it, thanked her and said good bye but had no idea how much I was going to need their services. Six weeks later I would be making a phone call...

Time to Tell

...As I previously stated it would take me months to gather the courage to tell what happened to me and what I had committed myself to as far as the legal process. I wanted to start with my best friend because the reason was obvious, best friends give you a different kind of reaction and support than your family does. It's easier to talk to them because they stand in your corner unconditionally and no matter what you're going through you can count on them. This in no way undermines the extremely close relationship I have with my mom and brother. I hadn't even told another person that was related to me in some way and my BF was a really good person to start with in that respect also. 

It was about 2 months before the preliminary hearing. I called her because over the phone would be easier and once I finally made the decision to to tell her planning a meeting would then result in a few days lapse due to our busy work schedules and us living about 30 minutes apart. I jumped right in and awkwardly told her what happened and all that was going on as a result. I wanted to get it over with quickly so once it was said we could move on with the conversation, meaning we could talk about it without talking about "it". She was extremely supportive and because she would be the only friend I would tell for a long time and be my only real confidante even after I told my mom and brother. She knew this too and swore to secrecy from our remaining group of friends. I wouldn't actually discuss it unless there were legal details to update them on. I felt just a little bit better when I hung up the phone because keeping a secret from those close to you is like the weight of a high rise building on your shoulders.

Next, my mom. I really waited until the last moment to tell her. It was 4 days before the preliminary hearing. I also chickened out and called her and it was from my car. Again the moment I gathered up the courage to tell I just did it. She, of course, was very upset and shocked but gave me her full support and told me that she was proud of me for what I was doing. She had lots of questions which is not unusual for her. I have no doubt in my mind where my inquisitiveness comes from. She asked about coming with me to court and I said No real fast and explained that I had enough to deal with mentally and emotionally leading up to and on that day so it was best if I went on my own but I reassured her that I had a lot of support from the police and prosecutors office and I wouldn't be or feel alone so she need not worry. She agreed to tell my stepfather because the fewer times I had to repeat that story and deal with reactions to it the less stress it put on me. I told here I was going to tell my brother but not sure when, soon though.

Even now I don't know why I waited to tell him but it wasn't until after the preliminary hearing was over that I did. This time I went to his house, I knew my sister-in-law would be out and my niece and nephew would be at school. We were very close growing up as my mom was a single parent so he and I spent a lot of time alone together while she worked. This hadn't changed as we became adults so when something hurts him it hurts me and vice-versa. I told him and instantly saw the hurt in his face. He was sad for me and what I was going through. He then said something that would feel to me like a punch in my stomach and rack me with guilt. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was cautioned that this case might get some publicity. My brother had been watching the reports of the hearing on the local news all week and thinking what a terrible case it was and now he finds out I'm one of the victims. I felt awful! Although he wasn't mad at me, I was mad enough at myself. I told him I talked with our mom and our stepfather knew and he would talk to my sister-in-law. She's pretty much like a sister since they have been together more than 20 years. I left the house not feeling any better after this particular conversation.

I would continue to keep the secret from any other family members and only tell my friends one at a time with sometimes a year or two lapsing in between. The circumstances surrounding each friend was different as to why I had or hadn't shared my secret with them and it had nothing to do with whether I was closer with one than another. A few didn't know until just last year before I moved out of town and across the country. They are all amazing women, smart, funny, successful and loyal. They all stand by me and support what I'm doing with plenty of encouragement. Even 10 years later those things are still a really important part of my living a healthy life and after all I've been through I count my blessings and know how lucky I am...

Independence Day

With today being July 4th I wanted to talk about what it means to me in relationship to my life specifically our police and criminal justice system and the law. We can all agree that our Founding Fathers set up a template that we have had to amend as society evolves whether it be for good or evil. Many of the oldest rape crisis centers in this country were founded in the early 70's as women began to stand up, speak out and support rape victims. Rape and sexual assault protection laws have come a long way since then and even more so in the past 10-20 years for example the rape shield law which protects the identity (name and image) of a victim from being publicized and her past sexual history from being examined.

In my particular case the attack occurred in Philadelphia, a very large city with a budget for a special unit within the district attorney's office. Many large cities in the US have this unit along with their police departments having dedicated detectives for their special victims units. Unfortunately, the further you go from each major city in this country the less specially trained prosecutors and detectives they have to assist victims of sex crimes. As a result the cases can not be handled as best as they could if it occurred somewhere else. 

This brings me to one of the many reasons I do what I do today. That is to speak out against rape and sexual assault and advocate for those victims who did not receive the best representation. The more I speak out the better chance for conversations to be started in places it may not have in the past. Therefore when the next victim walks into a hospital or police station reporting an assault she or he will be examined by a SANE nurse, have an advocate from the local rape crisis center there to hold her or his hand, a detective trained in the proper way to take the victims statement without any judgement and then a district attorneys office that can take the case and prosecute it to the best of his or her ability. 

I believe I am on the right path and know this is possible. That's why I do it. I am a proud American and know deep down I live in a country where what I say and do makes a difference.

It's Getting Real

...I walked into the lobby of a beautiful, historic building in center city Philadelphia where the District Attorney and her ADA's offices were. It is for lack of a better word an awesome experience and the magnitude of what I was about to do wasn't lost on me. Giving my statement to the detective and pressing charges is one thing but taking the next step to meet with the ADA and move forward with the case towards trial is multiplied by a thousand. This, among a nearly infinite number of reasons, is why sexual assault and rape victims after they have given their statement to the police do not move forward to trial. Telling a detective about the assault is difficult enough but then reviewing your case in detail with the man or woman who is going to stand up in court, defend your story as a victim and accuse your attacker of a crime changes things. Not to mention the fact that you will have to get on the stand, repeat a traumatic, personal incident then look directly at the man that attacked you and accuse him in front of a courtroom full of people and the judge is beyond scary and stressful. These thoughts loomed over me until the preliminary hearing was finally over.

The meeting with Joe Khan and his associate involved a range of emotions. I was embarrassed repeating the details again. I simply can't describe what it feels like to say it aloud the first few times. They were sensitive as they asked questions and explained that the more I told them the better. There were a shocking number of similarities in each of the victims stories and that was to be a large part of the prosecution's case as a significant number of the cases were he said/she said. This was also the time they would give me the information as to how the case was going to proceed and what the court process would involve for me. There would be a preliminary hearing scheduled (later I would find out the date to be October 31st Halloween) and at that time the prosecutor would present his case to include the victims, one of them being me. I would be called to the stand, sworn in then answer questions directed to me first by the prosecution and at some point I would be asked to identify my attacker. Then the defense would be able to ask me questions. I was given advice as to how I could handle the pressures and uneasiness I might feel. Among other things they told me plenty of associates from the DA's office would be in the courtroom gallery to show support and assist in my not feeling along up there. This to me was somewhat comforting because I was not planning on bringing anyone with me for support. It would be easier that way and I still had to figure out a way to tell the closest, most important people in my life (mom, brother, best friend) about the date rape and my choice to press charges and testify in court. That would be my next step but I certainly took my time before taking it.

We completed our conversation, all questions on both sides were asked an answered and Joe told me he would be checking in with me periodically with information. He said although I would receive official notices from the court in the mail I would get the news from him first. I walked out the door and realized Yes! this is happening and then practiced avoidance for more than half a year until my time was up and I had to tell my loved ones...

Not So Fast

...During my interview/statement with Detective O'Malley I learned a lot about the developing case against my attacker and the upcoming January 2006 trial where he would stand accused of drugging and raping three women. Remember these were the charges in which Marsalis skipped bail and fled to Idaho only to rape again and that ultimately brought me into the investigation. Up until now I had only spoken with one person from the Philadelphia ADA's team and not him directly. The reason is there are certain steps that have to be taken when there is a possibility of a case going to trial. One being a victim's statement is given to the police first and then it's passed along to the district attorney's office so they can build their case for trial. 

I received a call from the ADA who had been working on all cases related to Marsalis' victims. His name is Joe Khan and I would soon learn what a brilliant, passionate attorney he was and dedicated to getting Marsalis convicted and put in prison. He is a kind and gentle man too. Just the right balance for someone dealing with victims of such heinous crimes as rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. It was because of his tireless efforts, everyone working in the Family Violence and Sexual Assault unit of his office along with the many detectives of Special Victims that it would make my involvement in this process just a little bit easier. In the months and years to come during the preliminary hearing and trial process Joe Kahn would earn status as my hero and many of the other victims. When I called he picked up the phone personally, remembered me immediately and would start right in on any discussion of case details I was calling about. He worked nights and weekends, I know this because I would receive calls from him during these particular hours. 

So Joe Khan called me in late January with good and bad news. First the bad news, Marsalis was acquitted on all charges brought against him by those three women BUT the good news was because, in part, of my statement and charges brought to police the detectives walked into the courtroom after the verdict and re-arrested him. I was told he was completely shocked and angry. That made me smile a little. Hey I would take those tiny victories every chance I got! He was taken back to jail to await the next preliminary hearing. Of course bail wasn't even an option since he had not only violated his previous bail agreement but committed the same crime again. Joe told me that I would be testifying at a preliminary hearing later that year (date TBD) and he would continue to be in contact with me as the details unfolded. Now it was time for he and I to meet face to face so we could review my statement given to the detective and he could ask me questions as part of the pre-trial preparation. He reassured me that his associate would be in the office with us, the one I originally spoke with a month earlier, and they would do their best to make me feel as comfortable as possible. We set the appointment, he gave me directions and said good-bye.

This would be another step in the marathon trial process...

A Weekend to Forget

...As I had previously written, this was all going on the week before Christmas and as if things weren't going badly enough they were about to get just a little bit worse as far as my personal relationship was concerned. Friday morning I woke up and drove to my doctor's office to pick up the comprehensive prescription written for me so I can get over to the lab for a blood test. Up until now I wasn't feeling any STD symptoms but that really meant nothing. I wanted to be sure I was healthy and get that out of the way as soon as possible especially if I had to face something minor as a round of antibiotics or something more serious and potentially life threatening. The results wouldn't come back for a week due to the Holiday weekend but when the doctor did call she delivered the news that the tests came out negative. One less thing to worry about and at this point every little bit helped.

Saturday morning, Christmas Eve day, I woke up with a lot on my schedule like anyone else would have that day. I went to the gym, something I did/do whether I was/am happy, sad, busy, bored, stressed or relaxed. It was and still is a constant in my life. As I left the locker room and on my way out to the car I checked my cell phone for messages and had one from the guy I was dating at the time. If any of you were a fan of Sex and the City there was the episode where Carrie gets dumped on a post-it note, well I got dumped on a voice mail. A real cowards way out and on Christmas Eve no less. My emotional state was already beyond fragile but this put me right over the edge, not so much that we were at the getting serious stage (as I said in an earlier post the signs of his declining interest were there) but because of the way he did it on the day he did it and after the week I had although I hadn't told him what happened. I was beside myself, paralyzed by tears sitting in my car in the gym parking lot. I called my friend (the one that was there for me in the bathroom of my office on Monday) and as busy as she also was that morning she gave me her ear and let me cry until I was all out of tears. She was and is a good friend in every sense. Seriously what next?! A funny aside - when I told my guy friends at work the next week about the "break-up" they all repeated the same statement. He couldn't have waited until Monday? Who does that? At least I had a good laugh, they were good guys! I did call the guy back and left a message on his cell and house phone confronting him with that fact that I deserved the respect of him at least talking to me directly. He did call me but it was so much later in the day that I was on my out the door for Mass. Whatever, I really only wanted to put him through the torture of my reading him the riot act and no other reason and yes it helped a little to listen to him squirm :-).

I spent Christmas Day with my family somewhat withdrawn which is VERY unlike me but I didn't want to ruin everyone's day with my being emotional so I put a smile on my face (which I'm really good at) and got through the day. It had been such a loooong week with so many things going on I would have preferred the solace and quiet of my home and my sweet dog Abigail. It was my first experience with the secret I was going to keep from my family and friends for a very long time. Secrets and Lies are not something I'm good at and prefer to avoid them at all costs. Life is a lot easier when you live it honestly but this is beyond the scope of your average, everyday secret. It would be more than 9 months before I started to tell a select few people and that was only out of necessity. New Year's would come and go with no plans and little fanfare. It was better that way. I was gearing up for the emotional and mental fight of my life!