Time to Tell

...As I previously stated it would take me months to gather the courage to tell what happened to me and what I had committed myself to as far as the legal process. I wanted to start with my best friend because the reason was obvious, best friends give you a different kind of reaction and support than your family does. It's easier to talk to them because they stand in your corner unconditionally and no matter what you're going through you can count on them. This in no way undermines the extremely close relationship I have with my mom and brother. I hadn't even told another person that was related to me in some way and my BF was a really good person to start with in that respect also. 

It was about 2 months before the preliminary hearing. I called her because over the phone would be easier and once I finally made the decision to to tell her planning a meeting would then result in a few days lapse due to our busy work schedules and us living about 30 minutes apart. I jumped right in and awkwardly told her what happened and all that was going on as a result. I wanted to get it over with quickly so once it was said we could move on with the conversation, meaning we could talk about it without talking about "it". She was extremely supportive and because she would be the only friend I would tell for a long time and be my only real confidante even after I told my mom and brother. She knew this too and swore to secrecy from our remaining group of friends. I wouldn't actually discuss it unless there were legal details to update them on. I felt just a little bit better when I hung up the phone because keeping a secret from those close to you is like the weight of a high rise building on your shoulders.

Next, my mom. I really waited until the last moment to tell her. It was 4 days before the preliminary hearing. I also chickened out and called her and it was from my car. Again the moment I gathered up the courage to tell I just did it. She, of course, was very upset and shocked but gave me her full support and told me that she was proud of me for what I was doing. She had lots of questions which is not unusual for her. I have no doubt in my mind where my inquisitiveness comes from. She asked about coming with me to court and I said No real fast and explained that I had enough to deal with mentally and emotionally leading up to and on that day so it was best if I went on my own but I reassured her that I had a lot of support from the police and prosecutors office and I wouldn't be or feel alone so she need not worry. She agreed to tell my stepfather because the fewer times I had to repeat that story and deal with reactions to it the less stress it put on me. I told here I was going to tell my brother but not sure when, soon though.

Even now I don't know why I waited to tell him but it wasn't until after the preliminary hearing was over that I did. This time I went to his house, I knew my sister-in-law would be out and my niece and nephew would be at school. We were very close growing up as my mom was a single parent so he and I spent a lot of time alone together while she worked. This hadn't changed as we became adults so when something hurts him it hurts me and vice-versa. I told him and instantly saw the hurt in his face. He was sad for me and what I was going through. He then said something that would feel to me like a punch in my stomach and rack me with guilt. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was cautioned that this case might get some publicity. My brother had been watching the reports of the hearing on the local news all week and thinking what a terrible case it was and now he finds out I'm one of the victims. I felt awful! Although he wasn't mad at me, I was mad enough at myself. I told him I talked with our mom and our stepfather knew and he would talk to my sister-in-law. She's pretty much like a sister since they have been together more than 20 years. I left the house not feeling any better after this particular conversation.

I would continue to keep the secret from any other family members and only tell my friends one at a time with sometimes a year or two lapsing in between. The circumstances surrounding each friend was different as to why I had or hadn't shared my secret with them and it had nothing to do with whether I was closer with one than another. A few didn't know until just last year before I moved out of town and across the country. They are all amazing women, smart, funny, successful and loyal. They all stand by me and support what I'm doing with plenty of encouragement. Even 10 years later those things are still a really important part of my living a healthy life and after all I've been through I count my blessings and know how lucky I am...