...I wanted to go over an important part of sexual assault recovery that I had become aware of only this year and until just recently began practicing myself. Although I received professional help on a regular basis from a trained rape counselor and am certain this was worked into my treatment I don't ever recall the term Self-Care being used by my counselor Laura from WOAR. Once I was accepted into the RAINN Speakers Bureau, thoroughly reviewed their website and documentation provided and connected with other rape crisis centers and organizations on Twitter did I see that phrase and study what it meant. I also began reading blogs by other victims/survivors of sexual assault who discussed the topic as part of their own recovery.
Good Self-Care is especially important for survivors of rape and sexual assault and part of the healing process and in my situation, as I discovered, still necessary over 10 years later. There are two central areas which are physical and emotional. Physical self-care includes Food, Exercise, Sleep and Medical Care and Emotional self-care is much more involved but can include Counseling, Journaling, Meditation and Relaxation Exercises and choosing the type of people you spend your time with and support they provide you. This is just an overview and I have provided a link below to the RAINN website which provides more details and information.
Although I was drugged and raped 10 1/2 years ago, received and completed counseling and sought justice through the courts I have written many times in my blog that I am still healing as I reach certain milestones and achieve certain accomplishments. In the past 5 1/2 years I have publicly given speeches and told my story to many groups. It's only this year that the frequency of those speeches has increased because I am now giving them on a full-time basis. I am also no longer living alone but now with my boyfriend and he began to point out my conduct before and after my speeches. My "freak outs" prior to leaving the house and my mood once I returned home were blatantly obvious to Steve as atypical behavior for me. I realized that before a speech I'm not particularly nervous and thought my anxiousness was because of a wardrobe issue. Then thinking back to all those previous speeches and my feelings of exhaustion hours afterward it was like a light bulb going on over my head. Every time I tell my story it takes a small emotional toll on me. I spent several years in which it was a part of my every day life and always at the front of my brain. That went away once the trials were over and the counseling concluded but I should have had the presence of mind to know this is a part of me and who I am and will always be there in some capacity.
Then I decided to continue to tell my story because it felt good to do so and I was in my own small way on track to help other victims. While doing that and telling my story I was bringing up painful memories and complicated emotions and not taking care of myself after which should have been common sense but clearly too obvious for me to see. What I thought was since I felt good during and immediately following a speech but once the adrenaline rush went away I was left with the painful memories. Now that I knew what was wrong I could fix it.
I am happy to say that the speech I gave 10 days ago went much differently. I prepared myself better prior to and took care of myself following the event. I thought it important to share this particular experience.Since victims and survivors are finding their way through the many stages of healing and as many of us (I wish it to be all) move on to have very healthy successful lives there will always be obstacles and challenges we need to meet head on and overcome. I'm living proof it can be done!
Practice whichever part of Self-Care works for you because no one knows what's best for us better than ourselves.
RAINN Self-Care for Survivors
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
A Week of Reflection
This Saturday I will be celebrating my 1-year anniversary of moving to Burbank putting into motion a year of expected and unexpected challenges and accomplishments. At the top of that list is this blog as I never imagined not only writing down but posting my thoughts and experiences for everyone to read. It's one of those decisions I made after mindful reflection. BTW if you know me you know I consider the important choices very carefully before acting upon them but once I do I put everything I have into it. So as a result I wanted to reread my first blog post and share it with you again and hopefully to my new followers too.
...I never could have imagined I would be where I am today that week before Christmas 2005. After hanging up the phone I had some idea that things would change but as the week played out it just got bigger and bigger. It’s all occurred to me now as I sit here, almost 3,000 miles from where I grew up, living with a great guy that I met years before in college but never dated. I have everything I ever wanted and then some. What I knew I wanted was to be in a solid, loving, supportive, trusting relationship and what I didn’t know was to start my own business. The path I took to get here was not an easy one and developed out of a single nights encounter with a monster. A man considered to be one of Pennsylvania’s worst date rapists and possibly the worst this country has ever seen.
In March of 2004 I met him on Match.com after reading what I now know was his completely fabricated profile. At the time online dating was still in its infancy and although I knew to be cautious it wasn’t used at the time or known to be for wide ranging “hook ups” and a lot of profile embellishment, that came later. Online dating was so new you would have to take a break from it after a few months because you were seeing the same men pop up during criteria searches. Back then the site features offered secure emails at first, then if you chose to offer your exact email address and phone number those were the steps you took. This is how our communication progressed to a lengthy phone call and plans for a Friday night date. We chose a public meeting spot walked to a bar and chatted and laughed over drinks. The conversation was easy and it was a warm early Spring night so we walked to another bar for an atmosphere change. He had at some point described the rooftop view from his apartment just a few blocks from where we were and moved our conversation there. At that time he asked if I would come down to his apartment and continue chatting. The drink he offered me there was drugged and after taking a sip I have no conscious memory until the next morning waking up in his bed nude, very sick and confused...
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Never Forget Why
...Yesterday I had a conversation with someone interested in telling my story and it reminded me why I started on this path in the first place. Even before the public speaking and before the counseling it all began with that 2 hour interview at the Special Victims Unit in Philadelphia and Detective O'Malley. As he took my statement walking me through meeting Jeffrey Marsalis and the horrible night that changed my life forever, he informed me of the previous accusations in which he drugged and raped other women and the current growing investigation that I was part of I became more and more angry. I learned of the horrific details of the rapes he committed before and after I met him and how I was right in the middle of it. At the end of the interview I was asked if I wanted to press charges and my answer was "Hell Yes!". It was also at that moment where I made a vow and commitment to myself.
As time passed and I moved through the preliminary hearing, the two trials and the counseling I learned more about myself and what were positive steps towards my healing process. I made the decision to speak out and tell my story to advocates and college students so I could share my experiences in hopes of helping other rape victims come forward and heal. I also wanted what happened to me to serve as an awareness and prevention tool. Then once I began my advocacy campaign my mission broadened until that conversation last night and it hit me I should never forget why I started all this and a very positive reality check.
What I don't ever want to forget is that Jeffrey Marsalis is a rapist with no sense of remorse. If given the chance he would rape again. Although he was sentenced to 21 years in a Pennsylvania Prison and upon his release he will be transferred to an Idaho prison where he will serve out a Life sentence. There is the potential for Parole after 15 years which I'm told is highly unlikely due to his status as a sex offender and the large number of victims. If parole was granted he would be approximately 70 years old. In order for that not to happen its important to keep his name and the vicious crimes he committed and all the lives he's negatively affected in the news for as long as possible. As long as the public and those part of the justice system are reminded of his numerous acts of drugging and raping women he committed over many years the less likely he will be granted parole out of sympathy for his advanced age at the time.
Many of his victims did not or could not speak out for what are very complicated reasons only known to those having been sexually assaulted. Many of his victims who did come forward found the charges brought against him on their behalf to have a jury decide on acquittal. All of these factors do not lessen the validity or impact of his attacks on all the women unlucky enough to have met and "dated" Jeffrey Marsalis. He is considered one of if not the worst date rapists in this country and I will stay committed to my promise that December 22, 2005 to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to put him in prison and keep him there for the duration of his life...
As time passed and I moved through the preliminary hearing, the two trials and the counseling I learned more about myself and what were positive steps towards my healing process. I made the decision to speak out and tell my story to advocates and college students so I could share my experiences in hopes of helping other rape victims come forward and heal. I also wanted what happened to me to serve as an awareness and prevention tool. Then once I began my advocacy campaign my mission broadened until that conversation last night and it hit me I should never forget why I started all this and a very positive reality check.
What I don't ever want to forget is that Jeffrey Marsalis is a rapist with no sense of remorse. If given the chance he would rape again. Although he was sentenced to 21 years in a Pennsylvania Prison and upon his release he will be transferred to an Idaho prison where he will serve out a Life sentence. There is the potential for Parole after 15 years which I'm told is highly unlikely due to his status as a sex offender and the large number of victims. If parole was granted he would be approximately 70 years old. In order for that not to happen its important to keep his name and the vicious crimes he committed and all the lives he's negatively affected in the news for as long as possible. As long as the public and those part of the justice system are reminded of his numerous acts of drugging and raping women he committed over many years the less likely he will be granted parole out of sympathy for his advanced age at the time.
Many of his victims did not or could not speak out for what are very complicated reasons only known to those having been sexually assaulted. Many of his victims who did come forward found the charges brought against him on their behalf to have a jury decide on acquittal. All of these factors do not lessen the validity or impact of his attacks on all the women unlucky enough to have met and "dated" Jeffrey Marsalis. He is considered one of if not the worst date rapists in this country and I will stay committed to my promise that December 22, 2005 to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to put him in prison and keep him there for the duration of his life...
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Hazing and Sexual Assault
...A recent story broke in the news about a New Jersey high school who cancelled their very successful football program for the remainder of the 2014 season initially reported as a result of student athlete hazing. The media aldo reported how athletes parents were upset and angry for such a radical decision that affected an entire team for the misbehavior of a few players. I remember thinking right away that there was more to the story and said as much to my boyfriend Steve since we are both from NJ and felt somewhat related to it. Within a week as the media continued to investigate and report, the news that 7 members of the football team had been arrested for sexually assaulting younger players as part of a hazing ritual. It was an Aha! moment for me as my original speculation was correct and I saw that the entire football program was shut down by the administrators because of an ongoing investigation by the Middlesex County prosecutors office and they didn't know how far reaching it was and for how long it's been going on.
I tuned into the Today Show Monday morning (as I did every morning) eager to see the interview with Dr. Richard Labee, superintendent of the school district and Richard Ciak, school board president of Sayreville War Memorial High School. They became aware of the harassment, intimidation and bullying by the football players and decided to shut it down completely while they conduct further investigation of incidents in other athletic programs and extra curricular activities starting with the coaching staff. These two important leaders of the school district should be held up as a model for the way they have conducted themselves and reacted to what is a horrific incident. They put the well being of the victims first before the potential scrutiny they would be held under by the parents and the community. These men made a difficult decision but then again doing what's right isn't supposed to be easy.
Although there were initial reports of some parents dissatisfied reactions those seem to be in the minority because a very large rally was organized in support of the victims and held over the weekend. Speaking from my experience as a victim/survivor of sexual assault the male victims in Sayreville need to know there are people on their side. It doesn't make what happened to them go away but it will help in their healing process which is a very long road to the end. Male sexual assault is rarely discussed or reported on in the media which can make these victims feel even more isolated but knowing the community and school administrators believe in them can make all the difference in the world.
This is not the only hazing and sexual assault report I have seen recently but it's the only one I've seen that was handled properly!
If you are interested in seeing the interview I have provided a link below:
The Today Show
I tuned into the Today Show Monday morning (as I did every morning) eager to see the interview with Dr. Richard Labee, superintendent of the school district and Richard Ciak, school board president of Sayreville War Memorial High School. They became aware of the harassment, intimidation and bullying by the football players and decided to shut it down completely while they conduct further investigation of incidents in other athletic programs and extra curricular activities starting with the coaching staff. These two important leaders of the school district should be held up as a model for the way they have conducted themselves and reacted to what is a horrific incident. They put the well being of the victims first before the potential scrutiny they would be held under by the parents and the community. These men made a difficult decision but then again doing what's right isn't supposed to be easy.
Although there were initial reports of some parents dissatisfied reactions those seem to be in the minority because a very large rally was organized in support of the victims and held over the weekend. Speaking from my experience as a victim/survivor of sexual assault the male victims in Sayreville need to know there are people on their side. It doesn't make what happened to them go away but it will help in their healing process which is a very long road to the end. Male sexual assault is rarely discussed or reported on in the media which can make these victims feel even more isolated but knowing the community and school administrators believe in them can make all the difference in the world.
This is not the only hazing and sexual assault report I have seen recently but it's the only one I've seen that was handled properly!
If you are interested in seeing the interview I have provided a link below:
The Today Show
Monday, October 13, 2014
The Next Generation
...As part of the UC Irvine speakers bureau there are many types of opportunities presented to me. Within the past few weeks I have presented my story to several different campus groups acting as sexual assault advocates. The students attend yearly training sessions. Some are students returning to the program and others are new trainees but all train together in the same group. The UCI Counseling Center has 2 peer education groups the first being Right to KNOW and the second CHAMPS. Peer Educators provide consultation services, develop and deliver workshops/training sessions, assess student need regarding many issues including metal health, stress management and sexual assault which is why I was there to speak to them. They would be exposed to my story which provides the benefit of a victims/survivors perspective before, during and after a sexual assault and my experience through law enforcement, the court process, counseling and the healing process.
The other group I spoke to were representatives of the universities greek community. There were about 40 students made up of one from each campus fraternity and sorority. The training they received would be taken back to their respective members so the leaders could share the information learned over the two-day seminar and also be the go to person for the organization. Sexual assault prevention, awareness, being an active bystander were all discussed with the students among other related topics. This is a proactive and not reactive approach to educating a very large group of students.
After each speech I take questions and let the audience know that I will answer anything without limitations on subject matter. The students never fail to impress me with the thoughtful questions asked some similar but to ones I've been asked before but always included new ones too. I also share with them how wise beyond their years they are and how important and invaluable their involvement is in these programs. I like to view what they do as a tree root not weaving its way through the earth but through the university campus. It begins with the student/peer educator who shares with other students who then shares it with more classmates and friends. Word of mouth on this particular subject is the best way to get the message across the campus.
Starting with these young minds sets an early precedent for their generation that we didn't have with mine. The sooner they learn sexual assault awareness and prevention the more likely we are on a path to not just lessen the occurrences but eliminate them all together. After completing my speech and Q&A session whether it be to peer educators, advocates, a classroom of nursing students or a campus Take Back the Night event I leave their hopeful that somewhere there will be one less victim of sexual assault female or male because of those people sitting in that room...
The other group I spoke to were representatives of the universities greek community. There were about 40 students made up of one from each campus fraternity and sorority. The training they received would be taken back to their respective members so the leaders could share the information learned over the two-day seminar and also be the go to person for the organization. Sexual assault prevention, awareness, being an active bystander were all discussed with the students among other related topics. This is a proactive and not reactive approach to educating a very large group of students.
After each speech I take questions and let the audience know that I will answer anything without limitations on subject matter. The students never fail to impress me with the thoughtful questions asked some similar but to ones I've been asked before but always included new ones too. I also share with them how wise beyond their years they are and how important and invaluable their involvement is in these programs. I like to view what they do as a tree root not weaving its way through the earth but through the university campus. It begins with the student/peer educator who shares with other students who then shares it with more classmates and friends. Word of mouth on this particular subject is the best way to get the message across the campus.
Starting with these young minds sets an early precedent for their generation that we didn't have with mine. The sooner they learn sexual assault awareness and prevention the more likely we are on a path to not just lessen the occurrences but eliminate them all together. After completing my speech and Q&A session whether it be to peer educators, advocates, a classroom of nursing students or a campus Take Back the Night event I leave their hopeful that somewhere there will be one less victim of sexual assault female or male because of those people sitting in that room...
Friday, October 10, 2014
A Powerful Statement
...I woke up this morning to the exciting news that Malala Yousafzai was the joint winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. It immediately put a smile on my face so early in the day. Malala was the 15 year old girl shot by the Taliban on her school bus in Pakistan on the way to school. It has been nearly 2 years to the day and in that time she has led a worldwide campaign for female education activism. At 17 she is the youngest to ever win the Prize and deservedly so. Like many around the world I am inspired by her story of courage and her relentless pursuit to spread her personal message despite the potential threat to her life.
It's moving that a young woman such as Malala speaks beyond her years and motivating to me. I am 30 years her senior yet I look up to her. Although my own personal campaign to speak out and advocate against date rape and sexual assault is challenging and I sometimes feel as if I am climbing a mountain it can not compare to what Malala has faced in her short life. She did not go into hiding after being shot but once healed from her physical wounds she was energized to speak even louder and hasn't looked back.
Her words "When we all stand up together then we are more powerful than them." stuck with me. I can translate this statement into what I am doing regarding sexual assault awareness and the violent criminals who perpetrate the crimes. If the victims/survivors/advocates/law enforcement and prosecutors all stand together then we are more powerful than them. With hard work and unity we can bring them to justice! Not even a Taliban's bullet stopped Malala so nothing should stop me from my daily mission.
Today is the Global Fund for Women International Day of the Girl challenging everyone to recognize girls as they truly are which is Superheroes. Malala Yousafzai is one of those Supergirls. We could all use some inspiration every once in a while and on those rare but occasional days when I'm feeling frustrated with getting my message across I will think of her...
It's moving that a young woman such as Malala speaks beyond her years and motivating to me. I am 30 years her senior yet I look up to her. Although my own personal campaign to speak out and advocate against date rape and sexual assault is challenging and I sometimes feel as if I am climbing a mountain it can not compare to what Malala has faced in her short life. She did not go into hiding after being shot but once healed from her physical wounds she was energized to speak even louder and hasn't looked back.
Her words "When we all stand up together then we are more powerful than them." stuck with me. I can translate this statement into what I am doing regarding sexual assault awareness and the violent criminals who perpetrate the crimes. If the victims/survivors/advocates/law enforcement and prosecutors all stand together then we are more powerful than them. With hard work and unity we can bring them to justice! Not even a Taliban's bullet stopped Malala so nothing should stop me from my daily mission.
Today is the Global Fund for Women International Day of the Girl challenging everyone to recognize girls as they truly are which is Superheroes. Malala Yousafzai is one of those Supergirls. We could all use some inspiration every once in a while and on those rare but occasional days when I'm feeling frustrated with getting my message across I will think of her...
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Prevention is Possible
...Since I began my full-time mission as public speaker and advocate of sexual assault in January I have done my best to keep myself informed of all the latest news, TV and movie related releases, legal matters and awareness campaigns. In doing so I have come across a new and exciting trend of prevention tools. I did my research on each of them, personally reached out to their creators and promoters and supported their fundraising financially. They have personal stories as to the inspiration and development of each prevention tool. As part of my own personal awareness campaign I wanted to provide and share the information. They are all different types of tools but their ultimate goal is to provide prevention and protection against sexual assault.
First, I became aware of Safelet in June which is a product out of Amsterdam. Safelet is a safety bracelet that can notify your friends and family where you are and that you need help. It allows you to dial an emergency number via Bluetooth connection to your smartphone. It's designed to protect in a situation where you are not able to reach your phone and need to send out an alert fast. There are two types to choose from and currently in the pre-order stage.
The next three prevention tools and what they offer affected me personally as they are specific to drug induced sexual assaults.
I learned about PD.ID which is a product out of Canada. PD.ID is a small battery-operated device that will identify whether a drink has been drugged by dipping the end of it into your drink. If the drink has been altered in any way a small LED light will make an indication. I like that it's small, discrete and reusable. They have recently completed their fundraising campaign.
What caught my attention with Undercover Colors was my love for having continuously polished nails. This product is also discrete as their is nothing uncommon about women having a manicure. This fashion company out of North Carolina is the first working to prevent sexual assault. The nail polish changes color in the presence of date rape drugs. They are currently in the research and development stage.
Finally, we come to DrinkLock out of Washington D.C. It is the world's first and only 'Reverse Coaster'. What was important to me about this product besides the obvious prevention benefits is that it was developed by a male bartender and his personal experience. It's important for the public to know that men can be victims of drugged drinks. DrinkLock doubles as a "Reverse Coaster" mat until the consumer's need of applying the seal in situations such as leaving their beverage unattended. It is currently in the fundraising stage.
Click on the links provided below to learn more and support them if you decide to do so.
SAFELET - The Safety Bracelet
PD.ID - Personal Drink ID
UNDERCOVER COLORS - Nail Polish
DRINKLOCK - Reverse Coaster
First, I became aware of Safelet in June which is a product out of Amsterdam. Safelet is a safety bracelet that can notify your friends and family where you are and that you need help. It allows you to dial an emergency number via Bluetooth connection to your smartphone. It's designed to protect in a situation where you are not able to reach your phone and need to send out an alert fast. There are two types to choose from and currently in the pre-order stage.
The next three prevention tools and what they offer affected me personally as they are specific to drug induced sexual assaults.
I learned about PD.ID which is a product out of Canada. PD.ID is a small battery-operated device that will identify whether a drink has been drugged by dipping the end of it into your drink. If the drink has been altered in any way a small LED light will make an indication. I like that it's small, discrete and reusable. They have recently completed their fundraising campaign.
What caught my attention with Undercover Colors was my love for having continuously polished nails. This product is also discrete as their is nothing uncommon about women having a manicure. This fashion company out of North Carolina is the first working to prevent sexual assault. The nail polish changes color in the presence of date rape drugs. They are currently in the research and development stage.
Finally, we come to DrinkLock out of Washington D.C. It is the world's first and only 'Reverse Coaster'. What was important to me about this product besides the obvious prevention benefits is that it was developed by a male bartender and his personal experience. It's important for the public to know that men can be victims of drugged drinks. DrinkLock doubles as a "Reverse Coaster" mat until the consumer's need of applying the seal in situations such as leaving their beverage unattended. It is currently in the fundraising stage.
Click on the links provided below to learn more and support them if you decide to do so.
SAFELET - The Safety Bracelet
PD.ID - Personal Drink ID
UNDERCOVER COLORS - Nail Polish
DRINKLOCK - Reverse Coaster
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