Telling Steve

...In February I received an email from the prosecutor who was contacted by an ABC News producer informing him that they will be re-running their special I was previously interviewed for the next few years on sister channels TLC and Discovery ID. She wanted any updates from the four of us if we were willing to provide them. I took the producers information and put an email together with the new information about my speaking to volunteer advocate trainings, TBTN at Stockton College and the Victimology class at U of Penn. She responded thanking me for the updates and had some kind words to say and also asked a few more questions regarding Marsalis' conviction and sentencing and some personal questions.

I was very happy to know the show would be airing again as I wanted the most number of viewers to hear the story and told her as much. The producer thanked me for all that I provided her and said she would let me know when it was ready to be aired again and on which channel. Then I contacted my friend who I met at the interview to chat about this new development. She decided to also send an update to the producer. It had been 3 years since the original air date and we were both more secure that the first time the show aired as we moved on with our lives and had a lot of positive things going on.

There was actually a bigger problem for me which was telling my boyfriend Steve. In all the months of emails, texts, phone calls, my first visit out to LA and his first visit to NJ I had not told him of my past regarding the rape and trials although he knew I was speaking on college campuses but back then I was telling people it was about women's safety on campus which wasn't that far from the truth really. Don't get me wrong it had been on the back of my mind the entire time and I kept chickening out but now with the show scheduled to air on Wednesday March 21st on Discovery ID I had to tell him. There was no way I would allow him to stumble onto the show as had happened with my close friends during the first time it aired. So on Monday, two days prior, I told him in an email that morning we should talk on the phone that night. He was coming out to visit for the weekend on Thursday so I could pass it off as discussing plans we had.

I called him after dinner and told him as soon as we got on the phone. I started from the beginning and went through the whole story of the trial, the counseling, the interview and what I was really talking about during my speeches. It was really hard but as with every other obstacle regarding this subject I survived. He was quiet at first as I'm sure he was processing what I told him but then he said he was proud of me and everything I did and was continuing to do. I breathed a sigh of relief. He said he was going to watch the show at the same time I did on the East coast as that channel aired it early on the West coast. He has always been my biggest supporter.

Wednesday came and I was a bit anxious to see the show again. Even though they sent me a DVD and I had shared it several times as part of my speaking engagements I hadn't watched it again. I was also curious as to how they would include the information I provided as part of the updated show. They had added in some new footage and Chris Cuomo narrated the updated information at the end mentioning Marsalis had exhausted all his appeals, the other women have moved on and that I speak to Rape Crisis counselors and that it will always be a part of me. I was happy with how it went. My mom watched it with my stepdad and called my crying after to tell me how proud she was of me. Steve and I spoke for a while after then we said goodbye as he was getting on a very early flight the next morning to come see me. The next day I relayed the show to my fellow interviewee as she didn't get that particular channel. I was also a bit jumpy because this time I knew there was a possibility that someone would recognize me but no one reached out if they had although a few of my moms friends saw it. 

So I got through that next hurdle which was telling Steve just fine and now we could move on without anymore secrets. I hated keeping this secret from anyone I was close to and there still were friends I hadn't told for specific reasons but eventually I would tell them too when I found it absolutely necessary not to keep it from them any longer...