Still Speaking Out 6 Years Later

As I was preparing for my trip to Central California this week and a speech at the National Crime Victims Rights Week ceremony in Merced it was not lost on me that 6 years ago almost to the day I gave my first speech. 

While I was receiving counseling at WOAR (Women Organized Against Rape) the Director, Carole Johnson, had been monitoring my progress with my counselor Laura. They had decided I was in a good place where I could tell my story at their annual Take It All Back event on April 25, 2009. At the request and with just the right amount of encouragement from Laura she presented the idea to me of including me in the "Survivor Speaker" part of the day. I wasn't all that uncomfortable with public speaking, although this would be something so much different, but I had trusted her thus far (over a combined year of therapy sessions) and agreed to speak. Laura said we could work on the speech together and assured me that while I presented it she would be right by my side.

I went home and worked on my 'assignment' for the next two weeks so I would be ready to show Laura what I had written and we could review and discuss it at our next meeting. Since I had never been to a Take Back The Night event I was unfamiliar with the format. She told me that the survivors tell their story in a way that was most comfortable for them. It just so happened that my story had a beginning, middle and almost an end I decided to tell it in that order. My story was also unique for survivors of sexual assault because I had been through each phase starting with my report to law enforcement, rape crisis counseling and the trial process from preliminary hearing, closing arguments to sentencing. Not only that but the added stress but it was also a high profile case with endless print and television media coverage and my recent participation in an ABC News interview they were completing for a Summer air date.

Two days before the event I met with Laura, she read the speech, which she liked and we talked about what I might expect as I presented it. The very same week Jeffrey Marsalis' Idaho Rape trial was going on and I was following along as best I could from NJ with all my help from the online reports by the local news media there. The next day, Friday, the jury had gotten the case and that evening after my workout I received the message from Philadelphia prosecutor Joe Khan that Marsalis had been convicted of Rape and sentencing was scheduled for a few months later. These were the words I had been waiting years to hear and as I drove home that evening I spoke with Joe who told me the jury deliberated only a few hours and came back with the guilty verdict. I now had a real end to my story and added that to my speech which I would be giving the next day.

On Saturday morning I drove to the Independence Visitors Center in Philadelphia where Take it All Back was being held and walked into the room where all the festivities were going on. The atmosphere can only be described as welcoming with everything related to supporting victims and survivors of sexual assault. It was beautiful! I scanned the room for Laura and once I spotted her practically ran over to share the good news. I am not embarrassed to say that we screamed and hugged as we discussed the guilty verdict and briefly talked about what was next as far as his sentencing. This news we shared with the Director Carole and many others who work for WOAR that knew about the case and me since I had been arriving for regular counseling sessions at their offices for quite a long time.

After much anticipation it was now time for the schedule of events to begin which included a proclamation by the Mayor, music and dance performances and then it was my turn. I walked up to the podium with my typewritten speech and Laura joined me but stood just off to the side. I gave that speech through shaky words and tears at times finally at one point reaching for Laura's hand which I held on to as if my life depended on it. When I got to the part and as I shared with the audience the previous day's guilty verdict the crowd erupted in applause and cheers. It was unexpected and overwhelming and I was thankful that it was the last part of my speech because I broke down into Laura's arms after that reaction. Their reaction to my news a direct result of the fact that guilty rape verdicts and difficult to achieve. A sobering fact that we are all trying to change. The support I received from all those people was a lot to handle and as I describe it to you now I feel it all over again. 

That was the beginning of my path to telling my story to as many who want to listen. Six years later I am about to give another speech as an honored and invited guest of the Merced County District Attorney and Victim Witness Assistance Program for their National Crime Victims' Rights Week ceremony. I am excited to be here to share my story and spend the day with other victims of violent crimes and support them any way I can. I also get a chance to thank those who help victims through the worst moments of their lives. They are the true hero's which should never be forgotten because if it wasn't for those in Philadelphia law enforcement, the prosecution team and counselors at WOAR I would not be here today.

Practicing Self-Care

...I wanted to go over an important part of sexual assault recovery that I had become aware of only this year and until just recently began practicing myself. Although I received professional help on a regular basis from a trained rape counselor and am certain this was worked into my treatment I don't ever recall the term Self-Care being used by my counselor Laura from WOAR. Once I was accepted into the RAINN Speakers Bureau, thoroughly reviewed their website and documentation provided and connected with other rape crisis centers and organizations on Twitter did I see that phrase and study what it meant. I also began reading blogs by other victims/survivors of sexual assault who discussed the topic as part of their own recovery. 

Good Self-Care is especially important for survivors of rape and sexual assault and part of the healing process and in my situation, as I discovered, still necessary over 10 years later. There are two central areas which are physical and emotional. Physical self-care includes Food, Exercise, Sleep and Medical Care and Emotional self-care is much more involved but can include Counseling, Journaling, Meditation and Relaxation Exercises and choosing the type of people you spend your time with and support they provide you. This is just an overview and I have provided a link below to the RAINN website which provides more details and information.

Although I was drugged and raped 10 1/2 years ago, received and completed counseling and sought justice through the courts I have written many times in my blog that I am still healing as I reach certain milestones and achieve certain accomplishments. In the past 5 1/2 years I have publicly given speeches and told my story to many groups. It's only this year that the frequency of those speeches has increased because I am now giving them on a full-time basis. I am also no longer living alone but now with my boyfriend and he began to point out my conduct before and after my speeches. My "freak outs" prior to leaving the house and my mood once I returned home were blatantly obvious to Steve as atypical behavior for me. I realized that before a speech I'm not particularly nervous and thought my anxiousness was because of a wardrobe issue. Then thinking back to all those previous speeches and my feelings of exhaustion hours afterward it was like a light bulb going on over my head. Every time I tell my story it takes a small emotional toll on me. I spent several years in which it was a part of my every day life and always at the front of my brain. That went away once the trials were over and the counseling concluded but I should have had the presence of mind to know this is a part of me and who I am and will always be there in some capacity.

Then I decided to continue to tell my story because it felt good to do so and I was in my own small way on track to help other victims. While doing that and telling my story I was bringing up painful memories and complicated emotions and not taking care of myself after which should have been common sense but clearly too obvious for me to see. What I thought was since I felt good during and immediately following a speech but once the adrenaline rush went away I was left with the painful memories. Now that I knew what was wrong I could fix it.

I am happy to say that the speech I gave 10 days ago went much differently. I prepared myself better prior to and took care of myself following the event. I thought it important to share this particular experience.Since victims and survivors are finding their way through the many stages of healing and as many of us (I wish it to be all) move on to have very healthy successful lives there will always be obstacles and challenges we need to meet head on and overcome. I'm living proof it can be done!

Practice whichever part of Self-Care works for you because no one knows what's best for us better than ourselves.

RAINN Self-Care for Survivors

Idaho Sentencing

...Now that I accomplished another milestone in my recovery which was the speech at WOAR's Take it all Back event it was time to concentrate on the victims impact statement for the Idaho court. The writing Laura had me complete early on in counseling would become very valuable since I had written my feelings down when they were very raw. I was going to use those words along with, thanks to all my therapy, my ability to now step back and verbalize how my life was directly affected by Marsalis' assault on me 5 years earlier. The words flowed easily and once finished I read it over and over and made my edits. I brought it into my next counseling session with Laura for her to read and us to discuss. She liked what I had written and made a few suggestions which I later implemented. On May 18th I emailed the victims impact statement to the Idaho Department of Corrections. I let Joe Khan know of the phone conversation I had with the pre-sentencing investigator and subsequent email containing the statement. A few days later I was contacted again to be notified that the sentencing date was set for June 30th.

There were nothing I could do now but wait which I had been doing for the past few years. Waiting for the preliminary hearing, waiting for the trial, waiting for the sentencing, waiting for his extradition, waiting for the Idaho trial. It never got any easier. The other victim that I had become friends with after meeting at the ABC News interview kept in touch frequently via email and phone calls. She lived in Virginia at the time so we didn't get to meet up for lunch or coffee like normal friendships but then again our friendship was born out of something abnormal. She had also submitted a victims impact statement. Finally on June 30th I received a call from Joe Kahn who was in Idaho with the victim who had been Marsalis' girlfriend. He shared the news that Marsalis was handed a Life sentence to be served consecutively from the  Philadelphia sentencing. I was excited beyond belief. Once again he told me the statement I submitted made an impact on the judges decision who also expressed his disgust with Marsalis the similar to the judge in Philadelphia.

This sentence meant many things to me. First, it was all over now. There would be no more trials. My participation was complete. Second, Marsalis would never see the light of day again. He will spend the rest of his life in prison and I (if given the chance) will dance on his grave. Third, I will get to live out the rest of my life knowing I was safe and he will never hurt another woman ever again! The words I spoke that day were "I feel like I can breathe again".

Later that evening I received an email from the ABC news associate producer with the sentencing information. They had been there for the trial and sentence as a part of the special to be aired including my interview. I also learned that Marsalis and his attorney (a different one than in Philadelphia) granted an interview to also be conducted by David Muir for the special. The two other women who participated in the interview and I were able to watch the sentencing footage aired on a local Idaho station and we shared our feelings with each other via email including our speculation and anticipation of the interview by Marsalis.

The next day on July 1st Joe Khan emailed to tell me that on the same day of the sentencing the Pennsylvania Superior Court unanimously rejected Marsalis' appeal. He had one last shot with the PA Supreme Court but that was unlikely due to the unanimous decision of the lower court and even if heard, the justices have excellent decisions relating to sexual assault prosecutions. Everything was moving in the right direction as far as his victims were concerned and the wrong direction for Marsalis...

Some Good Counseling

...Throughout the next couple of months I would meet with Laura every other Thursday after work. I looked forward to those appointments. Having someone to talk to who has a professional perspective, has heard stories similar to mine and treated women like me was very comforting. She knew the right questions to ask because her experience allowed her to anticipate what I was thinking and dealing with as a rape survivor. She not just asked all the questions and I did all the talking but she allowed me to ask questions of her. I could ask her all the "why's" Why did this happen to me? Why didn't I see through his lies? Why did I react the way I did after? As the trial date grew closer I had specific questions about what was going to happen in court. Since WOAR had court advocates (Kathy for one) Laura would do her best to get the answers I needed.

As the trial date grew closer I began to get more anxious about many trial related things. As a result I was having a weird (although not uncommon with trauma) reaction. I previously stated I was an avid gym attendee. I had always loved to work out and it was a regular part of my day for half my life. I began to see a fellow member almost daily who upon my first sighting shocked me. The guy looked exactly like my attacker. Of course it wasn't him because he was safely locked away in a Philadelphia jail cell. It was disturbing and unnerving. Why was this happening? I had attended this gym for years and knew all the other regulars and all of a sudden I'm seeing this look-a-like every day on the equipment. I told Laura about this and she tried to ease my anxiety by explaining this was very common. It's the brains (sick-my words not hers) way of dealing with what I was going through. Well I didn't like that one bit! Also, and she would not divulge this to me until 2 years later, it's common for patients with PTSD which she had diagnosed me with and documented.

My therapy with Laura included several types of treatment. There was talk therapy, which I liked, and a few writing assignments. One of which would be writing a letter to Marsalis and telling him how I feel about him and what he did to me. This was very cleansing for me because I got to say everything I wanted to without having to wonder if he will respond and how. I had no plans to ever do such a thing because I didn't care what he thought or had to say. Everything that has ever come out of his mouth was a lie and to this day he doesn't think he's done anything wrong to any of the victims. He is a very disturbed monster (I will not call him a man) and what he thinks is of no value to me as far as my mental health is concerned. Plus I didn't want him to know much I was thinking about this.

I would continue on through the Spring with my regular sessions but in May would receive a call that would change things for me yet again...

Let the Healing Begin

...I received a call from Laura Benner who introduced herself as a counselor from W.O.A.R. (Women Organized Against Rape). She said Kathy had relayed my request for help. We chatted briefly but she really wanted to schedule my first appointment so we can get together face to face and start the process of counseling. Laura said the sessions would be a hour each but for the first time I would need to get there earlier to complete paperwork, given a tour of their offices, be introduced to the staff and review what services are available. Since WOAR is a rape crisis center and provides all kinds of services to victims of rape of all ages it is a safe place. This would be a place I went on a regular basis where I could speak freely and be supported. I would receive no judgement or those dreaded looks of pity and sadness that I had seen in friends and families faces. That really is the worst. The way I can describe walking through the doors every other week for my appointment was welcomed, relief and comfort. The receptionist always smiled said my name and asked how I was doing. If other employees/counselors walked through the waiting room they would greet me or maybe even stop for a chat. It was an amazing feeling to be somewhere and not be keeping a secret from anyone in the room. Everyone was there for the same reason whether it be seeking help or providing it. Another reason why WOAR or any other rape crisis center is special is that they solely treat rape victims. Rape counseling specifically requires treatment in which other general counselors/social workers may not be trained or have enough experience.

I arrived for my appointment and filled out some basic paperwork and then Laura came out of her office to greet me and bring me inside. Laura was a petite brunette with the most soothing voice I've ever heard. Anytime she spoke it had a calming effect on me. She was also very smart. We talked for a few minutes and she explained that the packet I would be completing served many purposes such as providing her with information she'll need in order to best counsel me and it would be a guideline for my treatment and success of steps taken along the way. I would also at some point in the future be completing the same documents again and hopefully my answers will show my healing progress. She left me alone at that point so I wouldn't feel any pressure while answering all the questions. The questions were not to be taken lightly and they were hard to answer. They were designed so you put a lot of thought into each one and took a hard look at yourself while doing it. Honesty in the answers was also important because what's the point of being there if you weren't completely honest with yourself and your counselor. Then again no one said therapy was easy. Ultimately if you want to get better you are going to have to work at it and I mean work hard! So I did what I had to do and finished up as best I could.

Laura came back in and we talked a bit more about what I was to expect and how it would work going forward and we made an appointment for my next session. She brought me around the offices and then we said good bye and I left. I would later find out that due to the number of victims in my case and the amount of publicity it got the employees there were well aware of it, who I was and wanted to get in and treat as many of us as they could.

I was feeling good about my first step into therapy and that I made the right decision. Laura and I didn't know it but she would be my rock through the next phase of what was already a long process of getting justice. I would eventually get to tell her how I felt...

A Different Kind of Help

...The rest of November passed uneventfully, Thanksgiving came and went and the Holiday season was upon us. I embraced the Christmas season with the usual decorating, parties, shopping, time off, etc. The closer I got towards the end of the year the more I began to feel like something just wasn't right with me. I don't mean in the physical sense, I was a healthy eater and had worked out religiously since I was 19 (I was 39). I mean in the mental and emotional sense. In my late 20's I was diagnosed with a mild case of depression, not severe enough for medication but I participated in individual and then group therapy sessions which I did eventually "graduate" from once I achieved good mental health. This "off" feeling wasn't exactly like that but enough for me to recognize by the start of the new year I was going to need professional help. I really needed to talk to someone on a consistent basis about what had happened to me and what I had ahead of me.

Very few people know this (until now of course) but I kept a large file of paperwork, newspaper clippings, business cards and general notes of anything that had to do with the case/trial. I'm extremely organized in my personal and work life and the trial ordeal would be no different. So I pulled out that legal sized envelope and took out the business card I received from Kathy at W.O.A.R. and I called the number on it. I remember that first day of the preliminary hearing and Kathy sat down next to me she had written my name down in a notebook of hers so when she picked up the phone and I gave her my name and where we had met she greeted me with enthusiasm and asked how I was doing. I told her that since the hearing I was feeling less and less myself and wanted to take her up on the offer of counseling. We chatted a bit more as she had some basic questions for me and said her next step was to get a counselor assigned to me. I would receive a call from the counselor directly to schedule our first appointment where we have an initial introduction and I would complete paperwork. I thanked her and we said our good bye's.

I hung up the phone and immediately began to feel some relief which solidified any doubts whether I had made the right decision. This would turn out to be my first step towards healing...

Time to go to Court

...I woke up the morning of October 31st the day of the preliminary hearing thinking I was as ready as I'll ever be. So I made some tea and a bowl of cereal and turned on the local news. BIG MISTAKE! Why? Because Jeffrey Marsalis' mug shot went up on the screen and the anchor began to report the story of the accused Match.com rapist and the 11 women prepared to testify later that day. What little was holding me together came completely unglued at that moment. No one is ever prepared to see a report on the news about their life. Up until that point I was focused on all that I had to deal with since Christmas week the previous year. As I sat staring at the TV screen the tears came rushing out. I was flooded with emotion and the realization that what I was doing was much bigger than I was allowing myself to think up until that point. I had a good cry and then got myself together, got dressed, got in my car and drove to the courthouse. I simply didn't have time to sit around the house letting out my emotions.

The courthouse itself was overwhelming. Philadelphia is a large city with a criminal courts building multiple stories high. I walked into the main entrance, had to relinquish my cell phone where it was actually checked into a box like a coat at a restaurant and was handed a ticket. Once I got through the airport like security lines I made my way towards the elevator and stepped off the floor of my assigned courtroom and was in for my second shock of the morning. The scene outside the courtroom was like right out of a movie. I couldn't believe how many people were there. I saw the prosecutor, Joe Khan and his team of associates even his boss, the chief of the unit was checking in throughout the day. Detective O'Malley was there with many of the other detectives from the Special Victims Unit and a local FBI agent too working as part of the federal investigation. The other victims were there but we were separated since an important part of the prosecutions case was that although our stories of encounters with Marsalis were eerily similar we had never met or spoken to each other and shared our personal assaults in any way.

Even though I was sitting alone I was never left alone for long. The police and prosecutors continued to check in on me to see how I was doing, if I needed anything and to keep me informed as to where there were as to who was and who will be testifying next. What I did know was that some other victims had traveled a distance to come and testify and others had certain family/personal commitments and because I lived nearby I would be one of the last women to testify.

Among the large group in the hallway that day were members of the local print and television media. While I was sitting there a familiar TV reporter from a channel I watched daily came to sit down next to me. He was polite, introduced himself and extended his hand to shake mine. I responded by shaking it back and saying hello. We exchanged brief pleasantries and he asked if I was an attorney. I simply said no and offered nothing else. It was like he read my mind and knew I was one of the victims. He responded ok, that it was nice to meet me got up and walked away. His kindness and compassion I will remember forever. He is still a reporter at NBC10 in Philadelphia, his name is Harry Hairston and he deserves to be recognized for that. Throughout the prelim, trial, sentencing and following the press has always reported the story but been in my mind leaned towards the victims side. That in of itself was comforting to a sexual assault victim.

There was one other person I met that day who would turn out to be a "life saver". Kathy from WOAR (Women Organized Against Rape) sat down next to me and introduced herself and explained the services they offered. WOAR is one of the original and oldest rape crisis centers in the country and set the benchmark for all others. Kathy was a court advocate and her job is to make sure rape victims know that WOAR is available to them for counseling services, hotline, essentially a safe place for them to go. She took my name and provided me with her business card. I took it, thanked her and said good bye but had no idea how much I was going to need their services. Six weeks later I would be making a phone call...